Friday, December 18, 2009

Good Christ. Really? People do this shit?

Seriously. Someone stole the fucking sign from AUSCHWITZ. Hello? Death camp for god-only-knows how many people. That is beyond's obscene and disgusting.

Here's the article.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Can't catch a fucking break

Clearly I'm a shitty parent or my kids wouldn't act like this. Clearly.

Same fucking shit, different fucking day.

M lost all his play time for the whole weekend. Yep - the WHOLE WEEKEND. And that was after me giving him opportunity after opportunity after opportunity to get his shit together. And therein lies the problem. He's gotten so used to having all these opportunities that he doesn't do what he's told until he knows I'm serious about the consequences.

It's weird though - after losing all his playtime tomorrow, something that's REALLY important to him, he continued with the bad decisions. When I got to Saturday's playtime, he freaked a bit, but STILL didn't do what I asked him to do. When I finally said I'm writing an email to Daddy to tell him you have no playtime for the whole weekend, then it's all "Mommy, I'll clean up" and "NO MOMMY! PLEASE!!" I don't know if it was the threat of losing the whole weekend of playtime or the threat of Daddy knowing that I took the playtime away (as if Daddy wouldn't know by tomorrow morning anyway).

And it's not like I asked him to paint the house for fuck's sake. I asked him to finish his dinner for an hour. And before you tell me to throw it out after a certain amount of time, my kid needs to eat. And he needs to eat protein. If he doesn't eat enough, he wakes up in the middle of the night and does god knows what while the rest of us are snoozing away. I've even been giving him a special "bedtime drink" right before bed of strawberry Kefir to help him stay asleep.

Oh - and I asked him to clean up the legos he had played with.

After I sent the email to Daddy, I was screamed at, my door was kicked and I was told that I'm MEAN. Do you know that there is no reasoning with a pissed off 8 year old? I know it now. I asked him if it was mean of me to give him so many opportunities to do what I had asked, then when he didn't do it, to take something away.

At some point I simply sent the kids upstairs. And I had my little freak out down here. I screamed. Loudly. And I slammed the door. Twice. And I kicked their god damn lego box across the room. Real mature, huh?

I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit up there with them tonight while they fall asleep. M came down, attitude in hand, and said J wanted me to come back upstairs. I said NO. He said why. I said because I have been treated poorly tonight by both of you and I can't take any more of it.

And again, I'm left feeling like a shitty parent. I'm beginning to not know which way is up with this shit.

I can't wait until our appt with Dr. B. next week. I know 1 appointment isn't going to solve the problems, but it will be start.

Fuck me. Maybe I need to go back to my therapist and work on some meditation or something.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I blame myself

I blame myself for my kid's ADHD.

Maybe if I'd pushed harder, I could have pushed him out. I pushed for 3 hours and just couldn't get him out. He was vacuum extracted and came out with a HUGE bruise on his tiny little head.

Tonight I know with certainty that I'm the reason he will struggle throughout his life. Struggle to do the things that come so easily to so many.

Tomorrow the sun will rise and with it my knowledge that it's not really my fault...that I'm borrowing guilt. But for now, this is what I know.

Tonight was really unpleasant and things got said that should have been phrased differently. Things that should have been teaching moments were angry and accusatory moments. It was one of those "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST DO IT!?!?!?!" nights.

I know the answer to that question and I still can't stop asking it.

Tonight I simply feel like a failure as a parent.

And still, my kid, after all the tears and yelling and defiance...once he calmed himself, still he wanted me to be near him; wanted me to sit next to him; wanted Mommy to sit with him while he fell asleep.

Tears. Me. Right now.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

I'm really proud of this.

I made this. It's a Byzantine chain maille weave necklace with chain rollers from a bicycle chain, made from 4mm jump rings. I created the flower pendant too...from chain rollers and jump rings.

I love this's gorgeous.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I was out, part deux

So after that whole spiel about riding my bike, I had actually kind of decided to go do it. What happened? The school called about my older kid, which resulted in a 1/2 hour conversation with the principal with a whole lotta "I don't know" and "Yeah...I don't know either." And then a whole lotta "We'll talk to the psychologist about it in a couple weeks when we see him" and "Yes, I'll add that to the list to talk to Dr. B about when we see him."

By the time the conversation was over, it was too late to go out for a ride. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm feeling sad for my kid. I know, I know...shake it off and toughen up. This is life and that's the way it is so suck it up.

To that I say: foxtrot oscar.

I'm allowed to feel sad for my kid. He's 8. I can't imagine him going through his whole life like this.

So anyway, I'm off to cry for a bit, then make dinner. Maybe some jewelry later.

I'm Keeping Kosher for Christmas

For all the interfaith families like mine...

I was out.

Do you know what that means? Here's a hint. I was out = I spent money in Jodeyspeak.

You're saying to yourself that you know I spent money on only things we need, not on things we want.

YOU would be wrong. I don't NEED the beading shit I got today. I wanted it. Ok, we did need some food for the kidlets to eat, so the $100+ I spent at Trader Joe's is ok...course it wasn't all for them, but whatever. We all have to eat. Even us fat chicks.

Speaking of which: All the way home from TJ's I was thinking I'd take a bike ride before I get the kids from school. For some reason, I just don't think that's gonna happen. I walked inside, got a bagel and cream cheese out of the bags I just purchased at TJ's and started eating lunch while putting groceries away. Now I'm all full of bagels and don't want to do anything but sit on my fat ass and make jewelry.

Granted, I need to make jewelry...but I also need to exercise. It's really quite annoying. I LOVE riding my bike, but for whatever reason, I've started thinking of it as exercise instead of joy. I hate exercise. It sucks. But I love riding my bike. So why is my brain doing this?

Maybe I should just tell my brain to STFU and go ride.

Argh. I hate fighting with myself. Especially over something I'll feel guilty if I don't do.

Ah well...gotta go put the cream cheese away. :D

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Oh Dollar Tree, How Do I Love Thee?

Let me count the ways...

1. Today I got "ornament holders" for...yep! $1 each. Cuz it's the Dollar store, doncha know.

2. Today I got TEN tiny little containers to put my jewelry shit in. Guess how much? ONE LITTLE DOLLAR!!

3. Today I got some fake pine garland shit so I can hang ornaments on it to take pictures. It was....A DOLLAR!

How can you not love Dollar Tree?

BTW...the ornament holders are going to double as jewelry holders after the holy-days.

Dollar Tree: Me love you long time.