I blame myself for my kid's ADHD.
Maybe if I'd pushed harder, I could have pushed him out. I pushed for 3 hours and just couldn't get him out. He was vacuum extracted and came out with a HUGE bruise on his tiny little head.
Tonight I know with certainty that I'm the reason he will struggle throughout his life. Struggle to do the things that come so easily to so many.
Tomorrow the sun will rise and with it my knowledge that it's not really my fault...that I'm borrowing guilt. But for now, this is what I know.
Tonight was really unpleasant and things got said that should have been phrased differently. Things that should have been teaching moments were angry and accusatory moments. It was one of those "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST DO IT!?!?!?!" nights.
I know the answer to that question and I still can't stop asking it.
Tonight I simply feel like a failure as a parent.
And still, my kid, after all the tears and yelling and defiance...once he calmed himself, still he wanted me to be near him; wanted me to sit next to him; wanted Mommy to sit with him while he fell asleep.
Tears. Me. Right now.
3 comments:
I had the best mother ever, and still I was broken.
I felt guilt because my brother and sister were fine, but I wasn't.
A few months ago, I finally broke down and told my mom "I know I've always been your problem child, and I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry, because you didn't deserve to have a child like me. You deserved someone perfect, like my siblings."
And she countered with her own logic, which is that she wouldn't change me for the world.
We all borrow guilt.
At the end of it, your son is going to look back, the way I did, and realize that YOU did everything you can for him.
Sometimes you're gonna yell, sometimes you're gonna get upset. You're human. Just know that you are a fantastic mother. Don't doubt that. I'm sure he doesn't. :)
Jodey you did not cause this to happen. I had a normal birth with Elizabeth and she is ADD/ADHD as well. It is hard on your heart to see him struggle, but you are there for him and love him so cling to the good and do not blame yourself. Things happen, life is hard, but he will grow up to be a fine man with a mother who loves him.
Thanks you guys. It's just hard to see this and not be able to wave my magic mommy wand and make it all better.
I think it's time for a reset...get consistent with the rules, less emotional reactions from us and more teaching.
Next week...I can make it until next week when we see the psychologist.
Post a Comment