12 years later...

 Y'all...it's been 12 years since I posted here. TWELVE YEARS. 

I just happened to come across the blog the other day and started looking through it. Wow. So much. 

Things are the same, but different. 

Maybe I'll come back and start blogging again.

Gluten-free, Primal, Grain-free, Refined Sugar-free Vanilla Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

I got this recipe from Nourished and Nurtured, which, by the way, has some really great Primal/Paleo recipes.

I, of course, made this recipe my own for a couple reasons:

1. Until yesterday, we were operating under the knowledge that my older son had an egg allergy. Apparently he has grown out of it...at least according to the allergist's skin prick testing. (We're still introducing it slowly, regardless of what their testing says).
2. Eating raw eggs skeeves me.

Beware...this is a large volume of ingredients, so make sure your ice cream maker can handle it all.

Vanilla Chocolate Chip Ice Cream
makes 14 4oz servings (so about 7 cups)
*This recipe is refined sugar-free if you use chocolate chips without refined sugar in them*

3 cups of cold cream (the kind I use is from a local farm and has no carbs, sugars or protein)
1 cup cold whole milk (I use organic whole milk)
3/4 cup of forested raw honey (I have also used 1/2 honey, 1/2 organic maple sugar to cut down a bit on carbs)
1 Tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon vanilla extract (I use Trader Joe's Bourbon Vanilla; if you use organic, consider lessening the amount as I find it to be much stronger than non-organic)
1/2 to 3/4 cup chocolate chips (I throw my Ghirardelli Double Chocolate chips in the food processor and they turn out perfectly for this recipe)
 The original recipe calls for 4 raw eggs yolks as well as 1/2 teaspoon celtic sea salt. I explained the egg thing above; I leave out the salt b/c the one time I put it in that's all I could taste.

1. Chop up the chocolate chips in your food processor, making sure to stop before they dissolve into powder. 
2. Combine the rest of the ingredients in a large bowl, but not the chocolate chips.
3. According to the directions of your ice cream maker, add the mixture to your ice cream maker. I always add the chocolate chips at this point, but you can wait until the mixture has attained a more ice-cream like texture.

Enjoy your ice cream! 

Nutritional Info (assumes 1/2c forested raw organic honey and 1/4c organic maple sugar, as well as Ghirardelli Double Chocolate Chips):

Whole Batch:
Calories: 3550.5
Fat: 289.2g
Sat fat: 171.9g
Carbs: 265.4g
Sugars: 239.1g 
Protein: 17.2g


Per Serving:
Calories: 253.6
Fat: 20.7g
Sat fat: 12.3g
Carbs: 19g
Sugars: 17.1g
Protein: 1.2g

Primal Sugar Free Iced Chai Tea

I made this on a whim, and I'm glad I did! Chai tea has its own delicious spiciness, but pair it with cinnamon flavored stevia and all those flavors are taken to a whole new level.

Here's the recipe:
10 cups water
6 bags of Stash Decaf Chai
8 droppersful of SweetLeaf Cinnamon Liquid Stevia

1. Boil 10 cups of water.
2. When the water starts boiling, put all 6 bags of tea into the water and remove the pot from the burner. 
3. Let steep for 20 - 30 minutes.
4. In the meantime, fill a gallon pitcher with ice.
5. Put in the liquid stevia.
6. When the tea bags are finished steeping, remove them from water and dispose of them; pour the hot tea into the pitcher.
7. Drink and enjoy!

Today has been...

stressful. And my eating shows it.

It has become painfully clear to me that when I get stressed I have very little will power, especially when there are chocolate chip cookies and cheese in the house.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I will strive to eat the things that I know will help me on my fat loss journey. What's so frustrating is that I'm getting in my own way. I know what to do, what to eat, how to exercise; and I was doing it very well. Somehow I've gotten a bit off track, and now I need to find my way back.

I know I can do it. I want to do it. I want to lose 15 pounds before my 40th birthday, which is in less than 2 months. I'd like to lose more, but I think 15 is reasonable.

I've stated my challenge to myself. Now to do it!

Primal Gluten Free, Cane Sugar Free, Egg Free Chocolate Chip Cookies

These cookies are DELICIOUS, once they cool. They are inspired by a recipe I found on a blog called Elana's Pantry.

Here is my recipe:

 
Primal, Gluten Free, Cane Sugar Free, Egg Free Chocolate Chip Cookies
makes about 42 1 teaspoon cookies
 
2 cups almond flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 cup melted organic butter
2 tablespoons honey, raw or runny (I use raw organic honey)
1 tablespoon vanilla extract (I'm fond of Trader Joe's Bourbon Vanilla)
1/2 cup chocolate chips (I use Ghirardelli Double Chocolate chips)

Preheat 350 degree oven.

You can make this recipe in your food processor or in a bowl...either way works just fine.

Throw all ingredients in a bowl (or your food processor - except chips if using processor) and mix until dough forms. (If you use a food processor, once the dough forms, hand mix your chocolate chips in).

Scoop dough either 1 teaspoon or 1 tablespoon at a time onto a non-stick cookie sheet. I favor the 1 teaspoon method as you get more and smaller cookies.

Bake 6-8 minutes. These cookies shouldn't darken much from baking. If they do, you've probably cooked them for too long. In fact, the ones in the photo above were baked too long! ;)

IMPORTANT: these cookies really do need to cool on the cookie sheet for about 15 minutes before you move them. Also, I've found that they taste best after they've cooled.

Enjoy!

Nutritional breakdown per cookie* (this recipe makes about 42):
calories: 37.74
fat: 3.12g
sat fat: 1.21g
carbs: 2.69g
sugar: 1.93g
protein: .71g

*your nutritional breakdown may be different, depending on the ingredients you choose to use in your recipe; please use mine as a guideline

The Best (Gluten-free, cane sugar-free) Primal Banana Nut Muffins. EVAH.

These muffins are soooooo good!

Recipe makes about 18 regular sized muffins):
3c almond flour (I make my own by buying blanched, slivered almonds from Whole Foods, then grind them in my coffee bean grinder)
1 1/2c smooshed bananas (I find that 4 bananas work well)
2t baking powder
2t baking soda
3 eggs
6T full fat sour cream
1/3c organic maple sugar (I get mine from Trader Joe's)
1/3c xylitol
2t pure vanilla extract (slightly less if using organic, as it tends to be strong)
1/4t salt
1c chopped/ground walnuts (I threw them in the grinder too)

Preheat oven to 350F. Grease regular sized muffin pans with coconut oil.

Blend all ingredients until smooth. Put 1/4c of batter into each muffin cup. Cook 20-25 minutes until the muffin is brown and a toothpick comes out clean.

Nutritional info:

For the whole batch:
Calories: 4673 
Fat: 345g
Sat Fat: 87g
Carbs: 326g
Sugar: 138g
Protein: 128g

Per muffin:
Calories: 259.6
Fat: 19.2g
Sat Fat: 4.8g
Carbs: 18.1g
Sugar: 7.7g
Protein: 7.1g 

Primal Sugar Free Sweetened Peach Iced Tea

10 cups of boiling water

4 family size tea bags (I use Tetley tea bags. I tried Lipton, but they tasted bitter to me)

2 fruit flavored tea bags (I love Celestial Seasoning’s raspberry zinger and peach tea)

1.5 – 2 teaspoons liquid stevia (I use Whole Foods brand)

Boil the water. Once it boils, put all 6 teabags in the water and remove from heat. Let the family size teabags steep for 3 minutes, then remove. Leave the fruit flavored teabags in the water for an additional 2 minutes, then remove.

Fill a gallon pitcher with ice and pour the tea from the pot into the pitcher. Add 1.5 – 2 teaspoons of liquid stevia. Mix.

Cane sugar-free Primal Ice Cream

I've been wanting to make some chocolate ice cream ever since I made the strawberry ice cream last week...and tonight I got my chance.

I based my ice cream loosely on this recipe from Civilized Caveman Cooking Creations. Their version is dairy-free...mine is not.

Here's mine:
1 cup cold coconut milk (the kind in the can with all the good fat and hardly any carbs)
1 1/2 cups cold cream (like heavy whipping cream type stuff)
3T Hershey's Cocoa
1.5t Vanilla Extract
1/4c Xylitol (I use XyloSweet)
handful of slivered almonds
a few drops of unflavored liquid stevia (I'm currently using the Whole Foods brand)

Mix all the ingredients except almonds in a bowl. Make the ice cream according to your ice cream maker's directions. At least with my ice cream maker, you wait to put stuff like almonds in at the end. You really have to watch the ice cream maker because it "ice creams up" very quickly. It took less than 15 minutes for this batch.

Makes about 6 4oz servings.

The ice cream is not super sweet, but it's sweet enough to tickle your taste buds and make them happy. :D

I store my homemade ice cream in 4oz glass canning jars with plastic lids in the freezer.

Nutritional breakdown based on my calculations:
 Whole batch: 
Calories: 2021
Fat: 196.5g
Sat fat: 114g
Carbs: 77g
Sugar: 6g
Protein: 12g

1 ~4oz serving:
Calories: 337
Fat: 33g
Sat fat: 19g
Carbs: 13g
Sugar: 1g
Protein: 2g

Primal Chocolate Milk with Stevia

I'm so excited about this chocolate milk I made today! It's sugar free and primal! (I should add the back story as to why I made this: My younger son drinks chocolate milk at school, so I was going to buy a large container of chocolate milk and have him take some in a thermos. When I looked at the amount of sugar in the chocolate milk, I was horrified! 22 GRAMS of sugar. So I decided to make it myself, and this is what I came up with).

To make 5 - 6 cups of chocolate milk you'll need:

6T natural cocoa powder (this makes it pretty chocolatey)
5 1/4 - 6 1/4c organic whole milk (or whatever kind of milk you want - I think it would work with alternative milks such as coconut, almond, etc)
30-40 drops of liquid stevia


1. Put 6T of cocoa powder in a flat-bottomed bowl.

2. Pour enough milk in the bowl to make a paste with the cocoa powder (I'm guessing around 1/4c).

3. Mix the milk and the cocoa.

4. When it is completely mixed (if you see any little balls of cocoa, try to smash them and mix them into the paste), it should be pretty uniform in color and very pasty.

5. Put the cocoa powder/milk paste into the container you'll be using for your chocolate milk.

6. Pour 5 - 6 cups of cold milk into the container with the paste, along with 30 - 40 drops of liquid stevia, then mix with an immersion blender until completely blended. It's ok if you get a layer of froth on the top. The more milk you put in, the less chocolatey it will taste.

7. Pour into a cup and enjoy your sugar free chocolate milk!

NOTE: You will have to blend or shake the chocolate milk if it's been in the fridge for any period of time as the chocolate will settle to the bottom.

Busy week ahead, so I'm cooking tonight

It's going to be a busy week, so tonight I took some time to cook and bake a few things:

First I made 2 kinds of turkey sausage. Hubs wanted apple sausage, so I made a pound of onion/apple sausage and a pound of regular sausage. I'll do separate posts with the recipes.

Next I started the fermentation process for some kefir I've been wanting to make. I bought some freeze dried starter grains (it's not grain, actually; it's yeast and bacteria) at Whole Foods (they were like $5 off, so only $.97 for a pack of 6) yesterday. I heated up some organic whole milk, let it cool to about 75 degrees, then poured some into 4 different containers into which I'd already put one pack each of starter grains. Now they sit, covered, for about 24 hours while the kefir starter grains "wake up" and ferment the milk. After that, I think I drain off the excess liquid and voila! My very own live and active starter grains. Throw them in some milk and let them get to business.

Then I made banana/strawberry egg-free and grain-free muffins. They are actually in the oven right now, and I'm not sure they are going to make it. This happens frequently to me when I try baking without eggs. It's really a gigantic pain in the ass, but I figured that since this particular recipe didn't call for eggs, there shouldn't be a problem. We shall see. I'm not opening the oven door for another 20 minutes...

I'm also going to bake some pumpkin-zucchini egg-free and grain-free muffins. And possibly some of those delicious brownies.

I'm feeling a bit sad right now, but it's nothing I want to talk about. It's something that's been going on for years, and it's something I guess I just have to deal with. As much as it sucks...

Egg-free, Grain-free, Cane Sugar-free Brownies (primal)

So I was looking around for egg free muffin recipes earlier today, and some how came across this recipe for egg-free, grain-free brownies.

I didn't have any xanthan gum, but I did have flax meal. After looking around the interwebs for subbing flax, I finally found that it's a 1:1 sub...for breads. That little tidbit escaped my notice for a bit.

I made the recipe exactly like she said, with the exception of honey - I used 1/3c xylitol - and the flax subbed for xanthan. My batter was incredibly dry and crumbly. So I decided to put a little whole milk in. And a little more. And a little more. Didn't work well enough, so I threw in some full fat sour cream. That did the trick! These brownies are soooo moist and chewy. The only thing I'd change is using almond butter without salt.

Here's the recipe:

1/2 t baking powder
1/2 t baking soda
3 T coconut flour
1 c almond butter (salt free)
1/4 t salt
2 droppersful liquid stevia (mine was actually Lemon Drop from SweetLeaf, but the lemon flavor is so minute, it made no difference)
1/4 t organic vanilla (maybe use a bit more if yours isn't organic - I find organic to be very strong)
1/3 c xylitol (I use XyloSweet)
1/4 c cocoa powder
1/2 c organic whole milk
1/2 c full fat sour cream

Mix all ingredients together with an electric beater or stand mixer. Pour into a small greased cake pan (I used a metal pan greased with organic coconut oil). Bake at 325 degrees for about 25 minutes.

Makes 18 brownies.

By my calculations, here is the nutritional breakdown per brownie:
Calories: 119
Fat: 9.2g
Sat Fat: 1.6g
Carbs: 8.2g
Sugar: 1.3g
Protein: 4g

If you make them, lemme know how they turn out!

CELEBRATE! I've lost 20 pounds!!

I really can't believe it. On the one hand, I feel like 20 pounds is not that much, considering the amount of fat I want to lose. On the other hand, holy shit! TWENTY POUNDS! I haven't lost this much weight on any diet or lifestyle change I've tried in about 20 years. And trust me, I've tried them all. The last time I remember losing this much fat was when I was about 16.

Has this been difficult to lose? Yes and no. I started with a personal trainer back in December, 2011. I figured that with the additional exercise I was doing, regardless of what I was eating, that I should lose weight based on simple math - more calories burned than calories coming in = caloric deficit. That premise doesn't work for my body. I think I lost 3 pounds.

At some point I decided to put into practice what my trainer had been trying to get me to do, which was eat less carbs. I was kinda freaked out about what to eat, but eventually figured it out. When I was ready, I took the next step to lowering my sugar consumption to 12g or less per meal. As my trainer and I continued to talk about nutrition, I started looking up some of the stuff she was talking about, mainly The Paleo Diet. I knew she ate a lot of meat and few carbs, but I wanted to know more. Somehow I found myself over on Mark Sisson's blog about The Primal Blueprint, and it resonated with me. I bought the book (The Primal Blueprint) and gave it a good read.

The things Mark talks about in his book really make sense. While it wasn't easy to give up sugar, I've found the lifestyle fairly simple to maintain. What I'm struggling with now is how to get my kids on board. What makes it especially hard is one of my kids is egg-allergic, which takes away a great source of fat, protein and other micronutrients. Getting creative with alternatives for egg has been fun, but I also want to keep the carbs down, so it's been a little iffy too.

Something else that has been interesting is seeing what foods my body likes and doesn't like. For instance, when I eat cheese, my weight loss stalls. But I can eat guacamole and sour cream with no problems. 

Anyway, I feel great. My energy level is high, I go to the gym or walk outside pretty much daily and I can't wait to see my Dr. in August.

I actually feel as though I can continue living like this indefinitely, and can watch the fat continue to disappear.

I've actually met 2 goals - 1 to lose 20 pounds and the other to start getting off all the meds I take because I'm fat. I got rid of my Metformin (which I took 2x a day) last week. 

And tonight...I made chocolate chip cookies

I tweaked a recipe for some higher carb cookies and mine turned out pretty good. The original recipe called for honey and dates to sweeten, as well as 1/2 c of chocolate chips. Instead, I used 1/4c xylitol and 1/4c stevia, then halved the amount of chips.

So my recipe looked like this:
1/2 c organic butter
1/4 c xylitol
1/4 c stevia (I use Stevia in the Raw; I find it to be less bitter than others I've tried)
2 eggs
1 1/2 T organic vanilla extract (I used less than the original recipe b/c it's very strong)
2 c almond flour
1 t baking soda
1/2 t salt
1/4 c Ghirardelli Double Chocolate all natural chips (I put them in the food processor and chopped them up instead of leaving them whole so the chocolate flavor would be throughout the batter, raising the overall sweetness without raising the carbs/sugars)

Cream together the butter, xylitol and stevia with an electric beater (or stand mixer).
Add eggs and vanilla; mix with beater.
Add flour, baking soda, salt; chopped chocolate chips; mix until combined.
Drop by teaspoon on a WELL GREASED cookie sheet (I used coconut oil).
Bake until the edges start browning...maybe 6 or 7 minutes at 350 degrees.

This made a total of 40 cookies!
NOTE: Leave room between the cookies on the baking sheet. They spread out quite a bit, and were flat-ish when finished baking.

ALSO NOTE: These cookies are not as sweet as regular cookies. You may have to adjust to the level of sweetness in them. I think they are delicious...one of my kids loved them, the other (more picky) one said they weren't sweet enough.

Nutritional breakdown per my calculations (please do your own!):

Per 1 cookie (40 per batch)
calories: 46.15
fat: 4.3g
saturated fat: 1.9g
carbohydrates: 2.3g
sugar: .48g
protein: .35g

Grain Free Granola

Grain Free Granola - Primal

(click on photo to enlarge for recipe)

Next Steps

I'm a mom, first and foremost. And as a mom, I worry about my kids. It's kind of my job, along with making sure they are safe, happy and taken care of. But when your kid has issues like mine has issues, that worry can kick your ass.

My kid is severely ADHD. He's also diagnosed ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and SID (Sensory Integration Disorder, aka SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder). ODD is very commonly found as a comorbid diagnosis with ADHD. In my opinion, it's also a very harmful diagnosis to acquire, or at least it can be.

Why, you ask, is ODD a harmful diagnosis? Just read the two major players in the name of the disorder. OPPOSITIONAL. DEFIANT. Pretty negative way to describe someone, isn't it? Do you feel sympathetic to someone who is labeled oppositional and defiant? Does it make you want to help them? Or do you find yourself looking at these oppositional and defiant people as troublemakers and people who are going to cause problems for you?

Long ago, when I first started this journey with my child of trying to help him with his issues, I decided that whatever labels were given to him were fine by me...as long as they help him get the services and assistance he needs. Read that again. As long as they help him get the services and assistance he needs. What I've found is that a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder gets him nothing but looked upon as someone who is, by definition, oppositional and defiant, and by extension, a troublemaker and someone upon whom many, many things can be blamed.

Here is the definition of Oppositional Defiant Disorder:

* Actively does not follow adults' requests
* Angry and resentful of others
* Argues with adults
* Blames others for own mistakes
* Has few or no friends or has lost friends
* Is in constant trouble in school
* Loses temper
* Spiteful or seeks revenge
* Touchy or easily annoyed

Am I saying that my child does none of these things? No, clearly he does them or he would not have qualified for this diagnosis 5 years ago. But as a layperson, teacher or someone otherwise involved in my child's life in a non-medical, non-psychological way, having a child labeled ODD is harmful. Humans as a rule want to put people into metaphorical boxes so that we understand how each person is "supposed" to act. When you expect someone to act a certain way, you start looking at their behavior through that lens...and it can very easily become habit to look for the negatives, or even the not-good-enoughs, instead of seeing the efforts that person makes, and even the good behaviors, outside of the label you gave them.

Right now, my child is facing a diagnosis of depression, an adjustment disorder w/depression, and maybe an anxiety disorder...in addition to ADHD, ODD and SID. He's 9. I am worried for my child.

He doesn't want to open up and talk about his peer relationships with his therapist, the person who did the extensive testing back in March, or even with me. That's new...and it's weird. So says me...and the professionals. Hence, the adjustment disorder. He is clearly going through some emotional trauma and feels unsafe or upset talking about his friends, or lack thereof. What was the impetus for this? I can guess it was something that was fairly devastating to him that happened a school a while back. I could be wrong.

I love my kid. My kid is a pain in the ass. My kid is a stellar little guy with a HUGE heart and a great smile. He has a special ability to piss people off. I'm glad for the person he is, and I sincerely hope that his trials at such an early age will make him stronger, not broken.

The next step is a meeting with all professionals involved in his treatment so we can brainstorm and come up with viable treatment options, be they medical, pharmacological, or therapeutic in nature. In addition, at the end of April, our wonderful psychologist will be accompanying my husband and I to an IEP review/revision meeting at the school to talk about the results of the testing done in March, and what the resulting changes in his IEP will be. After that? No idea...I just know that we will keep plugging along, trying to help him as much as we can.

Some good ADHD resources

In response to some events that have happened at school recently with M, I find myself back in the research game. It's been a while since I've done the type of in-depth research I'm doing now, and while I'm doing it, I might as well share the resources I have found! I'll certainly be sharing them with the school...

Dr. Russell A. Barkley click here for his website is one of the foremost researchers in the field of ADHD studies. He's been doing this since the 70s I believe, and has a website absolutely full of information that is useful.

Specifically, I'd like to draw your attention to these items:

*The Importance of Emotional Impulsiveness in ADHD: Implications for Diagnosis and Management (VIDEO of a lecture, lasts a little over an hour)

*ADHD Fact Sheet

*80+ Classroom Accommodations for Children and Teens with ADHD

*The Important Role of Executive Functioning and Self Regulation in ADHD

In addition to this new and interesting research into ADHD, I'd also like to point your attention to Sensory Processing Disorder (also called Sensory Integration Disorder). I have another blog I'm writing called Shorty Got to Move, and it's about our journey with a child who has ADHD, ODD and SID.

M was diagnosed with SID back when he was 6 I believe (he's almost 10 now). We noticed that he liked to crash into walls, doors, people, etc; and had some other behaviors that we now know are "sensory seeking" behaviors. We did some work with an Occupational Therapist over that summer almost 4 years ago and stopped doing it for some reason or another...I really don't remember. Fast forward to now and we're doing OT again.

We started going back to OT not for the sensory issues, but actually at the behest of our new therapist for something called The Alert Program. This is a pretty cool program that teaches kids ways to get their "engines" running at a level that is appropriate to the situation in which they find themselves. It's 2 fold though - not only do they learn to self monitor AND self regulate their "engines," they also learn, through the use of 2 way headphones and music, to focus the brain on the appropriate sound. The headphones have music streaming in, but during the OT session, the child has to make himself focus on the OT's voice instead of the music. It also activates the hairs in the ear canal.

As far as the sensory issues go, M is still a sensory seeker. Though the OT says that the sensory part is probably very small in the scheme of things, getting it under control through a sensory diet, fidgets and other means, may help M feel more in control at school and at home. We will see...it will be a week or so before we get the diet.

In any case, I highly recommend Dr. Barkley's site.

I never knew

how challenging it would be to be a parent.

I never guessed there would be this much heartache involved. This much soul wrenching pain. Really, I never guessed.

My older kid has been going through some stuff these past few days, and I...well, I don't know what to do anymore.

He's severely ADHD, with a side order of sensory processing disorder. To most people ADHD means that the kid is a hyper pain in the ass. But that is SO not all of it. Yes, my kid is hyper, but what lots of people don't understand is that there are sooo many other things involved. Impulsivity to the point of truly not being able to control yourself at times, poor planning, lack of inhibition, lack of forethought...and my beautiful child exhibits most of these things on a daily basis. And it hurts him. And I hurt for him.

We're also learning (again) that his sensory processing disorder really does have an impact on his behavior and ability to be in control of himself. At the suggestion of our new therapist, I made an appointment to have him re-evaluated by an Occupational Therapist. And the things I thought had gone have simply morphed. Loud noises still bother him, he still seeks sensory input in ways that most kids don't, and some other stuff that I can't think of right now. But all of these things, on top of the ADHD, are really impacting him - academically and right now, maybe more importantly, socially.

This is not a kid who seeks solitary activities. Oh no - this is a child who want, no NEEDS social interaction with other kids. But what he's finding out is that because of things he's done recently and in the past around the neighborhood, kids either aren't comfortable with him being in their house or playing with them, OR they simply won't play with him anymore.

He's 9, but he's making the mistakes a 6 or 7 year old would make. And it's not because he's a horrible, malicious child. When he's "on", this child is a ray of sunshine. He's helpful, wants to please everyone, playful, etc. But most people can't see past the things he is having trouble controlling...taking things that aren't his, playing a little too roughly, lying, etc. Hubs and I are at a total loss as to why he continues to do this. Intellectually he KNOWS these things are not ok, but I honestly think he simply can't stop himself from doing them. And it really fucking sucks.

Last night I had a dream about leaving...just leaving and starting fresh somewhere new. Today, I guess hubs was in a pissy mood because I'd been working all day, so he'd been taking care of the kids, they weren't listening and he yelled at the kids. They both cried and ran upstairs. Little one comes down and tells me big one just wrote a note saying he was going to run away. My sweet baby was feeling so low about himself and his situation that he wanted to RUN AWAY. I know that's probably normal kids behavior at some point. Hell, I remember doing it...but as a parent, it's frightening. So I gathered him up in my arms and told him that my heart would break into a million tiny pieces if he ever ran away, but I also told him that I totally understood his want to remove himself from this difficult situation he's gotten himself into.

I can't tell you the number of times I've told him to stop lying, taking stuff, etc, punished him, given him consequences, etc...he knows all this, yet keeps doing it. A book I'm reading says to let him suffer the consequences of his own mistakes, especially when he's young. The cost will be lower now that it would be learning these lessons at 25. But what if he doesn't learn these lessons? What's his life going to be like? Yes, I borrowing trouble by trying to look ahead. And honestly, I usually don't because my outlook on what his life will be like seems to change minute by minute. But tonight, my kid said he wanted to run away.

I'm feeling pretty sad tonight. Troubled.

But tomorrow I'm going to show my kid that staying positive is possible, even when things get rough. That people WILL forgive him his trespasses if he tries to show them that he's sorry. I am going to try very hard to change my parenting and see if I can help him become as good on the outside as he is on the inside by modeling the behaviors better that I want him to mimic. And mostly, to help him figure out that he is a good and worthy person, no matter what he's done in the past.

Political Quiz

I took this quiz and the results were interesting:
My Political Views
I am a center-left moderate social libertarian
Left: 1.1, Libertarian: 2.18

Political Spectrum Quiz


Foreign Policy:

On the left side are pacifists and anti-war activists. On the right side are those who want a strong military that intervenes around the world. You scored: -3.87
My Foreign Policy Views
Score: -3.87

Political Spectrum Quiz


Culture:

Where are you in the culture war? On the liberal side, or the conservative side? This scale may apply more to the US than other countries. You scored: -6.03
My Culture War Stance
Score: -6.03

Political Spectrum Quiz


compare:

Can we ever win?

Doesn't seem like we can.

The first week at school that M was on his new medication, it seemed to be working well. Now it seems that it isn't working so well...she says that from 10/13 to present, his behavior has deteriorated. And she filled out a new Conners rating scale and some stuff is WORSE than it was at the beginning of Sept. I wonder if she was in a bad mood when she filled out the scale or if this is accurately represented...I just don't know anymore.

I can't believe a medication can lose its efficacy that quickly. Maybe there is no satisfying this teacher. Maybe this *still* isn't the right dose. Maybe this isn't even the right medication.

I *think* it's working better than the Vyvanse was, but maybe not. At least he seemed to be even with the Vyvanse.

We see the psychiatrist this week, so I'm sure we'll be on the next dose up starting soon.

Have I mentioned how much I hate ADHD? It really sucks.

Day Five...Concerta

Color me surprised. M on 18mg of Concerta for 2 days wasn't the hellish experience I was expecting. He was actually pretty ok.

Today is day 3 of 27mg, so tomorrow we start on the 36mg dose that we've been building up to.

The only real negative I'm seeing is a reemergence of facial tics. But I don't feel too worried about that as we've seen transient facial tics with almost every medication he's been on. They seem to be mostly related to him feeling stressed or tired, and today he is *definitely* worn out. Not only that, but he's not in his normal routine this week, which always makes him feel more stressed than usual.

Overall I don't have a feeling about the Concerta one way or the other. It doesn't seem to be *that* much better than Vyvanse, but we also aren't on the therapeutic dose yet. We may see that 36mg is fantastic as compared to the 50mg of Vyvanse we were on before.