Crazy Meds

Thank God for my crazy pills...that's what we call them here at the house. I suppose they really should be "anti-crazy" pills, since they keep me sane...or at least my version of sane.

But even though I'm extremely sad these days, it doesn't overwhelm me like it would if I weren't taking the Seroquel and anti-depressant. I haven't felt this even in a couple years. It's kind of a nice feeling, actually.

Now, if the rest of my life would stop being so damn crazy...

So I Suck

Yep. It's true. I haven't ridden anything in about a week. Not sure what my deal is, though I know part of it is that the weather last week wasn't all that cooperative. This week is over unless I go ride at the gym tomorrow.

Isn't it amazing how time flies when you aren't paying attention?

I know part of it is this stupid fucking medicine that I have to take - it takes away the hyper part of me...the me I know as me and makes me not want to do much. I'm hoping that with some positive thinking exercises, a little more anti-depressant and a swift kick in the ass from someone, I'll be back out there riding Gustav on the wild trails of Harris. LOL The doctor and my therapist have all but promised to get me back to me...it just takes time. Soon, I hope.

What it is

When I first started writing this blog, I had all intentions of keeping it to biking and some photography. But I've discovered that life happens too...and I'm a person who needs to share my life with other people.

I haven't been on the bike much...you can read about why in other posts. I'm dealing with some incredible depression right now - the likes of which I haven't dealt with seriously in about 7 years. I was depressed right before I tried the abilify a couple months back, but this is SO much worse. 7 years ago is when I decided I didn't want to be on this planet anymore...my life was so bleak and the hole so black, I couldn't deal. I never tried to take my own life, but that episode scared the shit out of me. It was my first foray into the realm of anti-depressants and medication for severe depression. I've gotten better since and haven't had anything near that depressive episode until now. And god damn...it SUCKS.

The things I love - photography and biking - have become like chores. All this in the blink of an eye, it seems. This depression came out of nowhere. I'm working on getting the right medication into me so this doesn't happen again, and I'm working on getting my head wrapped around the fact that being depressed and/or bipolar are life long conditions that are to be taken very seriously, as they can have life altering consequences.

Don't let me being a little nuts scare you off. I was bipolar before I told you I was...you probably thought I was a little cracked in places. You just didn't have the correct name. Now you do. Hi. My name is Jodey. ;)

I'll get back to being me soon...I can feel me trying hard to surface. It's just going to take some time. In the mean time, I'm not sure how often I'll update this blog...or maybe I will. I find writing things out to be very cathartic, and I also hope my struggles with depression/bipolar disorder, no matter what community you come from, will help people understand the struggles or help with their own struggles.

It doesn't just take a village to raise a child...it takes a village to maintain a person.

Go me!

I rode 4 hard, hilly miles at the gym today. Could have gone further, but...didn't. Mental shit.

I'm happy to go see my shrinky-dink tomorrow to report in that my (yay!) pills aren't so yay...they don't seem to be keeping the sad cycles at bay so much. I can deal with manic cycles, it's the sad ones that I have a really hard time with. We'll see what she says tomorrow. Maybe it's time for the mighty Zoloft to come back out of the cabinet. Oy...not even going there tonight.