Crazy Meds

Thank God for my crazy pills...that's what we call them here at the house. I suppose they really should be "anti-crazy" pills, since they keep me sane...or at least my version of sane.

But even though I'm extremely sad these days, it doesn't overwhelm me like it would if I weren't taking the Seroquel and anti-depressant. I haven't felt this even in a couple years. It's kind of a nice feeling, actually.

Now, if the rest of my life would stop being so damn crazy...

So I Suck

Yep. It's true. I haven't ridden anything in about a week. Not sure what my deal is, though I know part of it is that the weather last week wasn't all that cooperative. This week is over unless I go ride at the gym tomorrow.

Isn't it amazing how time flies when you aren't paying attention?

I know part of it is this stupid fucking medicine that I have to take - it takes away the hyper part of me...the me I know as me and makes me not want to do much. I'm hoping that with some positive thinking exercises, a little more anti-depressant and a swift kick in the ass from someone, I'll be back out there riding Gustav on the wild trails of Harris. LOL The doctor and my therapist have all but promised to get me back to me...it just takes time. Soon, I hope.

What it is

When I first started writing this blog, I had all intentions of keeping it to biking and some photography. But I've discovered that life happens too...and I'm a person who needs to share my life with other people.

I haven't been on the bike much...you can read about why in other posts. I'm dealing with some incredible depression right now - the likes of which I haven't dealt with seriously in about 7 years. I was depressed right before I tried the abilify a couple months back, but this is SO much worse. 7 years ago is when I decided I didn't want to be on this planet anymore...my life was so bleak and the hole so black, I couldn't deal. I never tried to take my own life, but that episode scared the shit out of me. It was my first foray into the realm of anti-depressants and medication for severe depression. I've gotten better since and haven't had anything near that depressive episode until now. And god damn...it SUCKS.

The things I love - photography and biking - have become like chores. All this in the blink of an eye, it seems. This depression came out of nowhere. I'm working on getting the right medication into me so this doesn't happen again, and I'm working on getting my head wrapped around the fact that being depressed and/or bipolar are life long conditions that are to be taken very seriously, as they can have life altering consequences.

Don't let me being a little nuts scare you off. I was bipolar before I told you I was...you probably thought I was a little cracked in places. You just didn't have the correct name. Now you do. Hi. My name is Jodey. ;)

I'll get back to being me soon...I can feel me trying hard to surface. It's just going to take some time. In the mean time, I'm not sure how often I'll update this blog...or maybe I will. I find writing things out to be very cathartic, and I also hope my struggles with depression/bipolar disorder, no matter what community you come from, will help people understand the struggles or help with their own struggles.

It doesn't just take a village to raise a child...it takes a village to maintain a person.

Beaver Dam Adventure

Today Maggie and I hit Beaver Dam's mountain biking trails. Beaver Dam offers 4 different trails: Inner Loop (1.1 miles), Outer Loop (2.2 miles), West Loop (2.3 miles) and South Loop (6.8 miles).

Beaver Dam Trail Head:


Beaver Dam Directional Signs:


I have a great pic of Maggie, but she won't let me post it. :(

So now the story of the ride. I knew going in that Beaver Dam was going to be a little over my skill level and that I'd likely have to walk a bit...I was ok with that. When we got there, the we decided to do the Inner Loop since it's the shortest, and I *thought* would be the simplest. WRONG FAT CHICK BIKER! I'm not very comfortable on downhills as it is, and add in the monstrosities we call roots around these here parts and I was NOT a happy camper. And this was just getting to the actual trail!

About 15 or so minutes into the ride, I stopped and told Maggie that I just didn't feel right...I needed to desperately. So I took my meds, (remember I'm taking a new one, and this is only day 2) hoping that they would "fix" whatever issue I was having. No such luck. I was just feeling off the whole time. It didn't dawn on me until part way through the ride that I was still allowing a personal issue to color my riding.

We got through the trail...finally. And lemme tell ya folks, that is NOT a trail for beginners AT ALL. It's tight, twisty, fast in places...tons of roots on the uphills...stuff you need to either be able to power through or have enough momentum to go over. I walked probably about 1/2 the trail...mostly the uphills and a couple downhills. I did do stuff I wasn't completely comfortable with, and that was cool.

Getting back to the trail head was KILLER. The uphill was INSANE as were all the roots. I walked it. I think Maggie rode it. When we got to the top, she called a friend who said we should have done West Loop. WELL SHIT! We went over there and she did a bit of it, and I started a little, but really just wasn't interested. My head trips were fucking me up and it was time to stop before I got hurt.

My overall feeling of the trail is that, like I indicated, it is NOT for beginners (at least the trail we did). I'm pissed with myself for letting an issue with a friend undermine my confidence in my riding...especially because I was really looking forward to this ride today. It's a LONG way from my house - 40 miles each way. But at least I can say I did it. And I can say with absolute certainty that I will NOT be at the group ride on Saturday. Haha. :P

I'm sure at some point I'll try it again. But for now, I'm going to stick with Harris - nail down the 2nd loop of the intermediate trail over there; and start working on Crabtree a bit, I think.

While I was waiting for Maggie to arrive, I went to take the pictures you see above, and I met a guy coming off the trail. Right before he came out, these 2 HUGE wild turkeys went running through the woods. It was hysterical. And these other huge birds went flying out. Weird.

No riding today

Too dangerous.

I have a new medication. Took 1/2 of a pill and it's knocked me on my big ol' ass.

It's weird. Even though I'm sad about something going on in my life, I really wanted to go ride this morning...I was even willing to ride at Crabtree. I took this medicine and it makes me kind of flat...like I can't care about things as much. I mean, I'm still sad, but there's like this barrier there that makes me not feel the sadness in the same way I would normally. But it's still too dangerous to ride...or drive for that matter. I hope this side effect wears off before I have to go and get my babies from school.

It sucks to have fucked up brain chemistry. Lemme tell ya.