I was out, part deux

So after that whole spiel about riding my bike, I had actually kind of decided to go do it. What happened? The school called about my older kid, which resulted in a 1/2 hour conversation with the principal with a whole lotta "I don't know" and "Yeah...I don't know either." And then a whole lotta "We'll talk to the psychologist about it in a couple weeks when we see him" and "Yes, I'll add that to the list to talk to Dr. B about when we see him."

By the time the conversation was over, it was too late to go out for a ride. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm feeling sad for my kid. I know, I know...shake it off and toughen up. This is life and that's the way it is so suck it up.

To that I say: foxtrot oscar.

I'm allowed to feel sad for my kid. He's 8. I can't imagine him going through his whole life like this.

So anyway, I'm off to cry for a bit, then make dinner. Maybe some jewelry later.

Quitting

Have you ever known deep down that you really need to stop something, but equally strong is the instinct not to quit? Because if you quit, you give it up; and if you give it up, it might be gone forever?

I'm kind of feeling that way right now. About a few things in my life. It's like I'm at one of those cartoon signs with arrows that point a hundred different ways. If you go that way, you may end up here; if you go the other way, maybe you'll end up there, but you might end up somewhere completely different.

It's the mystery of life, I suppose, not knowing what's ahead of us and only being able to look behind with some certainty. In the right now, it's the swirling mist of choices and where they may lead.

My heart is heavy right now...with these choices and decisions that need to be made. And that little voice in my head whispering "how did you get here?"

Atlantic Beach with the kids, 5/16/09

After the awesome time we had at the MCAS Cherry Point Air Show on Saturday, 5/16/09, we went to a restaurant and ate dinner (compliments of my mom...thank you Mommy!), then took the kids to Atlantic Beach to play and collect shells. We warned them not to get wet. They did not heed the warning. Both were soaked when we headed back to the car, much to the dismay of the hubs. I had a towel in the back of the truck and wasn't so upset with them...they had a great time, and that's what it was about. Thankfully we had the foresight to make them take their shoes off far from the beach...

Click on the photo if you want to see a description of what/who is in the photo.

Enjoy!

Good Christ. Just fucking listen.

I think my head might just well explode. Today is the first day of many that both of the children will be home...together. It has been a battle of wills for the past 2 1/2 hours to get them to do something as simple as clean the fucking living room. No TV will be watched by either of them for the rest of the day as one of the consequences of not listening and/or doing what I asked.

My voice is hoarse. My head is pounding. The thought of 3 more weeks of this makes me want to weep...or commit myself.

The deeper question here is do I want to take a bike ride when hubs gets home or should I start self medicating with the beer and/or Smirnoff Citrus now and forget the ride today?

Jesus. $255.

No...not THE Jesus for $255. Jesus - my fucking air conditioner just cost $255 to fix! I guess I shouldn't bitch - we had the money since hubs got a little bonus this year. But still...$255 for 20 minutes? I need a job like that. :D

Here's the breakdown of the bill:
$85 A/C Diagnostic
$85 1 hour tech services (I love it - ONE HOUR...HA!)
$45 Capacitor that went bad
$40 1LB R22 refrigerant - and he couldn't find the leak

Grand Total: $255

Crazy Meds

Thank God for my crazy pills...that's what we call them here at the house. I suppose they really should be "anti-crazy" pills, since they keep me sane...or at least my version of sane.

But even though I'm extremely sad these days, it doesn't overwhelm me like it would if I weren't taking the Seroquel and anti-depressant. I haven't felt this even in a couple years. It's kind of a nice feeling, actually.

Now, if the rest of my life would stop being so damn crazy...

Just a little sad

Found out some things today that didn't shock me, but didn't make me happy. More like resigned and somewhat relieved. Who knows what will happen? Not me. But I'm sad. Life has a way of not turning out the way one wants or expects it to. Those damn expectations will get ya every time.

Sigh.

Laters people.

What it is

When I first started writing this blog, I had all intentions of keeping it to biking and some photography. But I've discovered that life happens too...and I'm a person who needs to share my life with other people.

I haven't been on the bike much...you can read about why in other posts. I'm dealing with some incredible depression right now - the likes of which I haven't dealt with seriously in about 7 years. I was depressed right before I tried the abilify a couple months back, but this is SO much worse. 7 years ago is when I decided I didn't want to be on this planet anymore...my life was so bleak and the hole so black, I couldn't deal. I never tried to take my own life, but that episode scared the shit out of me. It was my first foray into the realm of anti-depressants and medication for severe depression. I've gotten better since and haven't had anything near that depressive episode until now. And god damn...it SUCKS.

The things I love - photography and biking - have become like chores. All this in the blink of an eye, it seems. This depression came out of nowhere. I'm working on getting the right medication into me so this doesn't happen again, and I'm working on getting my head wrapped around the fact that being depressed and/or bipolar are life long conditions that are to be taken very seriously, as they can have life altering consequences.

Don't let me being a little nuts scare you off. I was bipolar before I told you I was...you probably thought I was a little cracked in places. You just didn't have the correct name. Now you do. Hi. My name is Jodey. ;)

I'll get back to being me soon...I can feel me trying hard to surface. It's just going to take some time. In the mean time, I'm not sure how often I'll update this blog...or maybe I will. I find writing things out to be very cathartic, and I also hope my struggles with depression/bipolar disorder, no matter what community you come from, will help people understand the struggles or help with their own struggles.

It doesn't just take a village to raise a child...it takes a village to maintain a person.

Things I'm Looking Forward To!

I'm looking forward to this coming weekend and next week. Why? Because:

1. my friend Daniel is coming to visit me again! This is cool because Daniel lives way up in Northern Canada...so it's special when I get to see him since it's so far away.

2. there is a Bikin' Broads Mountain Bike Clinic this weekend! I'm so looking forward to this - lots of things I want to work on, but mainly working on getting over this fear I seem to have developed. I'd like to talk to other women and see how they view this sport.

3. since Daniel is going to be here, he's going to help us out with the Bikin' Broads clinic by photographing us! I'll be otherwise engaged, so Daniel has kindly agreed to help us out with taking pictures.

4. I'm hoping to meet another person who shoots and get the 3 of us together to shoot while Daniel is here, but I'm not sure it's going to work out. If it does, it will be a blast!

5. Some of you will think I'm a horrible mother, but think what you will...my older son goes back to school on Monday! Woohoo!!! A month of being tracked out...oy.

6. RIDING!!! Next week!!! While the kids are in school!!!

7. Daniel and I have an appt with a friend of mine to shoot her on Monday if our other thing doesn't work out.

8. RIDING!!! Next week!!! While the kids are in school!!!

My Morning - good for a laugh

So hubs has been out of town, which means that I've been home A-L-O-N-E with the ankle biters for 3 days. Remember that older kid is tracked out (meaning he's home all day with me) and younger kid goes to preschool a few days a week, otherwise he's home with me too.

So this morning I'm happily sleeping when kid #1 runs into my room like his ass is afire yelling "Mommy! Megatron did ..... (and that's all I heard b/c I burrowed my big ass further under the covers)!" I mumbled something back to him that sounded like "that's nice" but really meant, in Mommy speak, "leave me the fuck alone, can't you see I'm sleeping." He comes back in a few minutes later and says "Mommy. MOMMY! Look at what J did to me! He poured his yogurt on me." Mommy peeks out from under the covers and sure as shit there's about a container's worth of organic strawberry yogurt dripping from the arm of my 7 year old. "Go to the trash can and scrape it off." "Ok" he says. I went back to sleep...again. (Remember, I'm not feeling well - I've been sick for what seems like forever at this point). Not 3 minutes later (or maybe 20....), kid #2 comes running in and says something about the GOD DAMNED TRANSFORMERS. It was ON. I flung the covers back, pissed off that the fucking Transformers had ruined a perfectly good sleep, and slammed out into the living room to see what my kids had destroyed. Nothing. Good.

I walked back into my bedroom and went to pee. I'm sitting ON the toilet and ...WEEE-OOOOO....WEEE-OOOOO....WEEE-OOOOO..."WHAT THE FUCK!?!!?!" I screamed to anyone who would listen...which was no one. Seriously, mid-stream the house alarm goes off and I'm thinking to myself "God...what did I do to piss you off this friggin' early in the morning?" I'll spare you the pee details, but let's say it was not a pleasant, nor easily cleaned up situation. I got up, ran out to the living room and turned off the alarm. Yelled at the cowering children to ask them "WHO OPENED THE DOOR?????" Nobody had opened any door. Oy...I felt like a badddddd mama.

Last night I changed the light bulb on the ceiling fan and replaced the globe that goes over it. Apparently I didn't put it back on correctly. It chose THAT MOMENT, while I was peeing my brains out, to fall to the floor and set off the friggin' alarm! Can you believe it? THAT MOMENT!

I hope like hell you got a good laugh out of that story.

Sigh...no riding until Sunday

This fucking bites. No riding until this coming Sunday. Why? Firstly because my older kid is tracked out, so I have no where to put him so I can go ride. Secondly the day I could ride is the day hubs and I have a session and my neighbor across the street is watching the older one while the younger one is in preschool. Thirdly hubs will be out of town a bit this week, so again, no one to watch los kidlets. And finally, I'm SICK AS SHIT....again.

So the only day I'll be able to ride this week is Sunday. So my plan, once I feel better, is to go ride at the club...either do a spin class, which I've never done before, or my normal Expresso bike ride as a single speed on a hilly trail...10 miles.

I have high hopes that next week I'll be able to ride at least 2x during the week, like I usually do. It will just have to be at Lake Crabtree or *gasp* UMSTEAD since they are closest to where hubs works. Can you believe he works so close to them and he doesn't ride at lunch?

Anyway....we'll see.

Went to club...

...and hammered out 4.42 flat miles in about 18 minutes. Just needed to do it. Turned up some good angry music - Papa Roach; The Paramour Sessions - and hit it. Couldn't wear my biking shoes b/c somehow one of the screws came out of one of the cleats...so I wore my broken heart converse sneaks...seems appropriate since my heart is broken. Heh.


Had sort of a bad night last night...had a HUGE HUGE HUGE fight with hubs and will continue to be sad about losing a friend - well at least I assume I've lost a friend, that's where the signs seem to point - until I get over it.

Now I need to go take some pics and clean to make myself feel better. Gotta take the little one to a Halloween party at preschool in a couple hours. :)

Fat Chick Biker wants to know...

...how much does your mood affect your riding? Or is it the other way around? Or maybe a little combo of both?

I find that when I'm not in a great mood, my riding suffers. I'm not as confident, don't want to really try hard...just want to do the easy stuff and say I did a ride.

When I'm feeling like I was yesterday, really "on," my riding rocks. I was completely confident in my abilities (even in abilities I wasn't really sure I had) and felt like I could conquer anything...well, within reason, of course.

But sometimes, when I'm not in a great mood and I do get to get out and ride, it's just enough to take the edge off that moodiness and get me feeling ok.

I know that having someone riding with me encouraging me helps me a great deal both when I'm feeling it and when I'm not feeling it. But at some point, I want to be able to rely on myself.

That seems like a pattern in my life...needing to learn to rely on myself...from biking to having confidence about other things. It's a very hard thing to gain for me...and once I gain a little it seems that something happens that I allow to take it away. Kind of weird...most people think I'm quite the confident person, gauging from some of the photography I take. And I have become more confident, but I still find that confidence is based on attention from certain people.

I've been sick

mentally, physically, emotionally...sick. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say, those are the reasons I haven't been able to get a coherent post together. Well, unless you wanted to hear why my heart was broken in two.

But onward and upward...right?

I'm going on a ride today. With Maggie. At Harris. Because I need to.

I'm still trying to hack up a lung for most of the day, but if I don't get out and ride, it's gonna be B-A-D!

Another part of the reason I haven't ridden is b/c the hubs has been out of town since Sunday and I was kind of paranoid of getting hurt and not being able to take care of the ankle biters. Such a good mommy...I know. ;)

Drama

I likely won't be updating this blog for a few days until I get a few things in my life ironed out.