My Morning - good for a laugh

So hubs has been out of town, which means that I've been home A-L-O-N-E with the ankle biters for 3 days. Remember that older kid is tracked out (meaning he's home all day with me) and younger kid goes to preschool a few days a week, otherwise he's home with me too.

So this morning I'm happily sleeping when kid #1 runs into my room like his ass is afire yelling "Mommy! Megatron did ..... (and that's all I heard b/c I burrowed my big ass further under the covers)!" I mumbled something back to him that sounded like "that's nice" but really meant, in Mommy speak, "leave me the fuck alone, can't you see I'm sleeping." He comes back in a few minutes later and says "Mommy. MOMMY! Look at what J did to me! He poured his yogurt on me." Mommy peeks out from under the covers and sure as shit there's about a container's worth of organic strawberry yogurt dripping from the arm of my 7 year old. "Go to the trash can and scrape it off." "Ok" he says. I went back to sleep...again. (Remember, I'm not feeling well - I've been sick for what seems like forever at this point). Not 3 minutes later (or maybe 20....), kid #2 comes running in and says something about the GOD DAMNED TRANSFORMERS. It was ON. I flung the covers back, pissed off that the fucking Transformers had ruined a perfectly good sleep, and slammed out into the living room to see what my kids had destroyed. Nothing. Good.

I walked back into my bedroom and went to pee. I'm sitting ON the toilet and ...WEEE-OOOOO....WEEE-OOOOO....WEEE-OOOOO..."WHAT THE FUCK!?!!?!" I screamed to anyone who would listen...which was no one. Seriously, mid-stream the house alarm goes off and I'm thinking to myself "God...what did I do to piss you off this friggin' early in the morning?" I'll spare you the pee details, but let's say it was not a pleasant, nor easily cleaned up situation. I got up, ran out to the living room and turned off the alarm. Yelled at the cowering children to ask them "WHO OPENED THE DOOR?????" Nobody had opened any door. Oy...I felt like a badddddd mama.

Last night I changed the light bulb on the ceiling fan and replaced the globe that goes over it. Apparently I didn't put it back on correctly. It chose THAT MOMENT, while I was peeing my brains out, to fall to the floor and set off the friggin' alarm! Can you believe it? THAT MOMENT!

I hope like hell you got a good laugh out of that story.

OMFG...my left lip hurts?

Oh for crying the fuck out loud...you HAVE to read that. (Note: click the title of this entry to read). And you want to know the sad thing? I was searching to find the difference between a bushing and a bearing and how one or the other affects the mountain bike, and I came across THAT. Scary.

I found it really funny...her describing her bumpy left "lower" lip. Of course, I'm an evil Fat Chick Biker. I don't typically laugh at other people's misfortune, but I also don't go to Yahoo Answers telling people that my left lip hurts when I pee on it...um, or that it has bumps on it as compared to the right "lower" lip. And really people, can she not use the proper terminology? L-A-B-I-A. Or I could go to Urban Dictionary and come up with some really interesting things to call them. Oh...that could be fun! A field trip! :D

Ok...it's also 4am...I got woken up by my older kid telling me the younger one was crying. Now there's a sleeping 4 year old ON MY SIDE OF THE BED and nowhere for me to sleep. Damn it. :P 's'alright....my baby can have my bed. Hubs will be up soon and I'll just go to sleep in his warmed up spot. Hehe....

ETA (8:19am): Just so you know, karma paid me back for being mean to the bumpy-left-lower-lip-girl. My kid who was sleeping in bed with me peed outside his pullup, so I awoke in a nice spot of pee. What a way to wake up. Soaked with piss. Gotta love it. No...really.