My Morning - good for a laugh

So hubs has been out of town, which means that I've been home A-L-O-N-E with the ankle biters for 3 days. Remember that older kid is tracked out (meaning he's home all day with me) and younger kid goes to preschool a few days a week, otherwise he's home with me too.

So this morning I'm happily sleeping when kid #1 runs into my room like his ass is afire yelling "Mommy! Megatron did ..... (and that's all I heard b/c I burrowed my big ass further under the covers)!" I mumbled something back to him that sounded like "that's nice" but really meant, in Mommy speak, "leave me the fuck alone, can't you see I'm sleeping." He comes back in a few minutes later and says "Mommy. MOMMY! Look at what J did to me! He poured his yogurt on me." Mommy peeks out from under the covers and sure as shit there's about a container's worth of organic strawberry yogurt dripping from the arm of my 7 year old. "Go to the trash can and scrape it off." "Ok" he says. I went back to sleep...again. (Remember, I'm not feeling well - I've been sick for what seems like forever at this point). Not 3 minutes later (or maybe 20....), kid #2 comes running in and says something about the GOD DAMNED TRANSFORMERS. It was ON. I flung the covers back, pissed off that the fucking Transformers had ruined a perfectly good sleep, and slammed out into the living room to see what my kids had destroyed. Nothing. Good.

I walked back into my bedroom and went to pee. I'm sitting ON the toilet and ...WEEE-OOOOO....WEEE-OOOOO....WEEE-OOOOO..."WHAT THE FUCK!?!!?!" I screamed to anyone who would listen...which was no one. Seriously, mid-stream the house alarm goes off and I'm thinking to myself "God...what did I do to piss you off this friggin' early in the morning?" I'll spare you the pee details, but let's say it was not a pleasant, nor easily cleaned up situation. I got up, ran out to the living room and turned off the alarm. Yelled at the cowering children to ask them "WHO OPENED THE DOOR?????" Nobody had opened any door. Oy...I felt like a badddddd mama.

Last night I changed the light bulb on the ceiling fan and replaced the globe that goes over it. Apparently I didn't put it back on correctly. It chose THAT MOMENT, while I was peeing my brains out, to fall to the floor and set off the friggin' alarm! Can you believe it? THAT MOMENT!

I hope like hell you got a good laugh out of that story.

Hives...

My 4 year old...bless his little crumb snatching ass...decided to see what Mommy had up on the counter, cuz Lord knows it looks INTERESTING. So he sticks his grimy little finger in the juice of what it is that I had cut in half. Then he puts the grimy little finger in his mouth. "I like that Mommy." "That's nice, Stink."

Fast forward half an hour later...hubs has kids upstairs getting ready for bed.

"Mommy...(this is the 7yr old)...I think you better come up here. J has a rash on his back." So Mommy walks upstairs, takes a look at the little Stink and says one word. "HIVES."

We know all about food allergies in this house - my older son is dx'd with an egg white allergy, he gets crazy with food dyes; the little one had soy and milk allergies as a baby...and now I would bet my ass he has a new food allergy. Wanna know what it is?

I've been sick

mentally, physically, emotionally...sick. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say, those are the reasons I haven't been able to get a coherent post together. Well, unless you wanted to hear why my heart was broken in two.

But onward and upward...right?

I'm going on a ride today. With Maggie. At Harris. Because I need to.

I'm still trying to hack up a lung for most of the day, but if I don't get out and ride, it's gonna be B-A-D!

Another part of the reason I haven't ridden is b/c the hubs has been out of town since Sunday and I was kind of paranoid of getting hurt and not being able to take care of the ankle biters. Such a good mommy...I know. ;)

Woohoo!!! 9.5 miles baby

Yep - you read that right! I did a 9.5 mile endurance ride at the gym. And God...I HATE riding at the gym...but I made myself do it. You might wonder why I call it an endurance ride. Well...I did it as if I were riding a single speed (SS) bike. SS bikes have one gear...no matter whether you are going downhill, uphill or on a flat. This particular ride was a long, consistent climb starting about 1/4 of the way in. Before that, there were flats and a couple steeps.

After I was done, I picked J (my 4 year old) up from the child care center at the gym and we went and hung at a playground for a while. It was so nice to be outside and watch my kid have a good time.

Tomorrow, God willing, I ride at Harris with Maggie. I think I already said we are going to do beginner and intermediate trails...and if I have steam, I'll do a bit of the advanced if she wants to.

I have a goal, I want to lose 3 pounds by next week sometime. I've lost about 9 pounds so far and a good number of inches...but I definitely want to lose more.

Indoor Riding

No...I don't mean *that* kind of indoor riding, you pervs...though I do enj..never mind. I'm talking about the kind where you get on a bike, slap on your headphones, crank the music up and pedal until you want to die. I guess that's outdoor biking too - haha!

I went to the gym this morning and did 5 miles on the indoor cycle. B-O-R-I-N-G. Especially since I knew what a freakin' gorgeous day it was outside. I'd so much rather be rolling over dirt, roots, bridges, water...whatever...than pedaling to get nowhere. BUT, I need to work on my endurance and this is a good way to do it. I picked a medium intensity route and did 5 out of almost 7 miles. I need to work back up to the 10 mile rides I used to do. And I will...in a week or 2 I'll be hittin' 10 and feelin' fine. I can ride outdoors only 2 days a week currently as that's when the stinker (4 yr old) is in preschool. He may be going 3 days a week soon, if we can swing it financially...so we'll see. I'd love to have another day to ride outdoors.

Random thought: My husband has said to me on a couple of occasions that I should go out on the roads in our neighborhood and just "ride hard" and that I will get the same high as I do when I go out on the trails. He is SO WRONG. I could ride til I die out on the roads and never feel as good as I do rolling over stuff. I guess it's the adrenaline rush I get from doing over things most people would avoid. And that stuff keeps getting bigger.

OMFG...my left lip hurts?

Oh for crying the fuck out loud...you HAVE to read that. (Note: click the title of this entry to read). And you want to know the sad thing? I was searching to find the difference between a bushing and a bearing and how one or the other affects the mountain bike, and I came across THAT. Scary.

I found it really funny...her describing her bumpy left "lower" lip. Of course, I'm an evil Fat Chick Biker. I don't typically laugh at other people's misfortune, but I also don't go to Yahoo Answers telling people that my left lip hurts when I pee on it...um, or that it has bumps on it as compared to the right "lower" lip. And really people, can she not use the proper terminology? L-A-B-I-A. Or I could go to Urban Dictionary and come up with some really interesting things to call them. Oh...that could be fun! A field trip! :D

Ok...it's also 4am...I got woken up by my older kid telling me the younger one was crying. Now there's a sleeping 4 year old ON MY SIDE OF THE BED and nowhere for me to sleep. Damn it. :P 's'alright....my baby can have my bed. Hubs will be up soon and I'll just go to sleep in his warmed up spot. Hehe....

ETA (8:19am): Just so you know, karma paid me back for being mean to the bumpy-left-lower-lip-girl. My kid who was sleeping in bed with me peed outside his pullup, so I awoke in a nice spot of pee. What a way to wake up. Soaked with piss. Gotta love it. No...really.