I'm a mom, first and foremost. And as a mom, I worry about my kids. It's kind of my job, along with making sure they are safe, happy and taken care of. But when your kid has issues like mine has issues, that worry can kick your ass.
My kid is severely ADHD. He's also diagnosed ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and SID (Sensory Integration Disorder, aka SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder). ODD is very commonly found as a comorbid diagnosis with ADHD. In my opinion, it's also a very harmful diagnosis to acquire, or at least it can be.
Why, you ask, is ODD a harmful diagnosis? Just read the two major players in the name of the disorder. OPPOSITIONAL. DEFIANT. Pretty negative way to describe someone, isn't it? Do you feel sympathetic to someone who is labeled oppositional and defiant? Does it make you want to help them? Or do you find yourself looking at these oppositional and defiant people as troublemakers and people who are going to cause problems for you?
Long ago, when I first started this journey with my child of trying to help him with his issues, I decided that whatever labels were given to him were fine by me...as long as they help him get the services and assistance he needs. Read that again. As long as they help him get the services and assistance he needs. What I've found is that a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder gets him nothing but looked upon as someone who is, by definition, oppositional and defiant, and by extension, a troublemaker and someone upon whom many, many things can be blamed.
Here is the definition of Oppositional Defiant Disorder:
* Actively does not follow adults' requests
* Angry and resentful of others
* Argues with adults
* Blames others for own mistakes
* Has few or no friends or has lost friends
* Is in constant trouble in school
* Loses temper
* Spiteful or seeks revenge
* Touchy or easily annoyed
Am I saying that my child does none of these things? No, clearly he does them or he would not have qualified for this diagnosis 5 years ago. But as a layperson, teacher or someone otherwise involved in my child's life in a non-medical, non-psychological way, having a child labeled ODD is harmful. Humans as a rule want to put people into metaphorical boxes so that we understand how each person is "supposed" to act. When you expect someone to act a certain way, you start looking at their behavior through that lens...and it can very easily become habit to look for the negatives, or even the not-good-enoughs, instead of seeing the efforts that person makes, and even the good behaviors, outside of the label you gave them.
Right now, my child is facing a diagnosis of depression, an adjustment disorder w/depression, and maybe an anxiety disorder...in addition to ADHD, ODD and SID. He's 9. I am worried for my child.
He doesn't want to open up and talk about his peer relationships with his therapist, the person who did the extensive testing back in March, or even with me. That's new...and it's weird. So says me...and the professionals. Hence, the adjustment disorder. He is clearly going through some emotional trauma and feels unsafe or upset talking about his friends, or lack thereof. What was the impetus for this? I can guess it was something that was fairly devastating to him that happened a school a while back. I could be wrong.
I love my kid. My kid is a pain in the ass. My kid is a stellar little guy with a HUGE heart and a great smile. He has a special ability to piss people off. I'm glad for the person he is, and I sincerely hope that his trials at such an early age will make him stronger, not broken.
The next step is a meeting with all professionals involved in his treatment so we can brainstorm and come up with viable treatment options, be they medical, pharmacological, or therapeutic in nature. In addition, at the end of April, our wonderful psychologist will be accompanying my husband and I to an IEP review/revision meeting at the school to talk about the results of the testing done in March, and what the resulting changes in his IEP will be. After that? No idea...I just know that we will keep plugging along, trying to help him as much as we can.
Showing posts with label ADHD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ADHD. Show all posts
Friday, April 8, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Some good ADHD resources
In response to some events that have happened at school recently with M, I find myself back in the research game. It's been a while since I've done the type of in-depth research I'm doing now, and while I'm doing it, I might as well share the resources I have found! I'll certainly be sharing them with the school...
Dr. Russell A. Barkley click here for his website is one of the foremost researchers in the field of ADHD studies. He's been doing this since the 70s I believe, and has a website absolutely full of information that is useful.
Specifically, I'd like to draw your attention to these items:
*The Importance of Emotional Impulsiveness in ADHD: Implications for Diagnosis and Management (VIDEO of a lecture, lasts a little over an hour)
*ADHD Fact Sheet
*80+ Classroom Accommodations for Children and Teens with ADHD
*The Important Role of Executive Functioning and Self Regulation in ADHD
In addition to this new and interesting research into ADHD, I'd also like to point your attention to Sensory Processing Disorder (also called Sensory Integration Disorder). I have another blog I'm writing called Shorty Got to Move, and it's about our journey with a child who has ADHD, ODD and SID.
M was diagnosed with SID back when he was 6 I believe (he's almost 10 now). We noticed that he liked to crash into walls, doors, people, etc; and had some other behaviors that we now know are "sensory seeking" behaviors. We did some work with an Occupational Therapist over that summer almost 4 years ago and stopped doing it for some reason or another...I really don't remember. Fast forward to now and we're doing OT again.
We started going back to OT not for the sensory issues, but actually at the behest of our new therapist for something called The Alert Program. This is a pretty cool program that teaches kids ways to get their "engines" running at a level that is appropriate to the situation in which they find themselves. It's 2 fold though - not only do they learn to self monitor AND self regulate their "engines," they also learn, through the use of 2 way headphones and music, to focus the brain on the appropriate sound. The headphones have music streaming in, but during the OT session, the child has to make himself focus on the OT's voice instead of the music. It also activates the hairs in the ear canal.
As far as the sensory issues go, M is still a sensory seeker. Though the OT says that the sensory part is probably very small in the scheme of things, getting it under control through a sensory diet, fidgets and other means, may help M feel more in control at school and at home. We will see...it will be a week or so before we get the diet.
In any case, I highly recommend Dr. Barkley's site.
Dr. Russell A. Barkley click here for his website is one of the foremost researchers in the field of ADHD studies. He's been doing this since the 70s I believe, and has a website absolutely full of information that is useful.
Specifically, I'd like to draw your attention to these items:
*The Importance of Emotional Impulsiveness in ADHD: Implications for Diagnosis and Management (VIDEO of a lecture, lasts a little over an hour)
*ADHD Fact Sheet
*80+ Classroom Accommodations for Children and Teens with ADHD
*The Important Role of Executive Functioning and Self Regulation in ADHD
In addition to this new and interesting research into ADHD, I'd also like to point your attention to Sensory Processing Disorder (also called Sensory Integration Disorder). I have another blog I'm writing called Shorty Got to Move, and it's about our journey with a child who has ADHD, ODD and SID.
M was diagnosed with SID back when he was 6 I believe (he's almost 10 now). We noticed that he liked to crash into walls, doors, people, etc; and had some other behaviors that we now know are "sensory seeking" behaviors. We did some work with an Occupational Therapist over that summer almost 4 years ago and stopped doing it for some reason or another...I really don't remember. Fast forward to now and we're doing OT again.
We started going back to OT not for the sensory issues, but actually at the behest of our new therapist for something called The Alert Program. This is a pretty cool program that teaches kids ways to get their "engines" running at a level that is appropriate to the situation in which they find themselves. It's 2 fold though - not only do they learn to self monitor AND self regulate their "engines," they also learn, through the use of 2 way headphones and music, to focus the brain on the appropriate sound. The headphones have music streaming in, but during the OT session, the child has to make himself focus on the OT's voice instead of the music. It also activates the hairs in the ear canal.
As far as the sensory issues go, M is still a sensory seeker. Though the OT says that the sensory part is probably very small in the scheme of things, getting it under control through a sensory diet, fidgets and other means, may help M feel more in control at school and at home. We will see...it will be a week or so before we get the diet.
In any case, I highly recommend Dr. Barkley's site.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I never knew
how challenging it would be to be a parent.
I never guessed there would be this much heartache involved. This much soul wrenching pain. Really, I never guessed.
My older kid has been going through some stuff these past few days, and I...well, I don't know what to do anymore.
He's severely ADHD, with a side order of sensory processing disorder. To most people ADHD means that the kid is a hyper pain in the ass. But that is SO not all of it. Yes, my kid is hyper, but what lots of people don't understand is that there are sooo many other things involved. Impulsivity to the point of truly not being able to control yourself at times, poor planning, lack of inhibition, lack of forethought...and my beautiful child exhibits most of these things on a daily basis. And it hurts him. And I hurt for him.
We're also learning (again) that his sensory processing disorder really does have an impact on his behavior and ability to be in control of himself. At the suggestion of our new therapist, I made an appointment to have him re-evaluated by an Occupational Therapist. And the things I thought had gone have simply morphed. Loud noises still bother him, he still seeks sensory input in ways that most kids don't, and some other stuff that I can't think of right now. But all of these things, on top of the ADHD, are really impacting him - academically and right now, maybe more importantly, socially.
This is not a kid who seeks solitary activities. Oh no - this is a child who want, no NEEDS social interaction with other kids. But what he's finding out is that because of things he's done recently and in the past around the neighborhood, kids either aren't comfortable with him being in their house or playing with them, OR they simply won't play with him anymore.
He's 9, but he's making the mistakes a 6 or 7 year old would make. And it's not because he's a horrible, malicious child. When he's "on", this child is a ray of sunshine. He's helpful, wants to please everyone, playful, etc. But most people can't see past the things he is having trouble controlling...taking things that aren't his, playing a little too roughly, lying, etc. Hubs and I are at a total loss as to why he continues to do this. Intellectually he KNOWS these things are not ok, but I honestly think he simply can't stop himself from doing them. And it really fucking sucks.
Last night I had a dream about leaving...just leaving and starting fresh somewhere new. Today, I guess hubs was in a pissy mood because I'd been working all day, so he'd been taking care of the kids, they weren't listening and he yelled at the kids. They both cried and ran upstairs. Little one comes down and tells me big one just wrote a note saying he was going to run away. My sweet baby was feeling so low about himself and his situation that he wanted to RUN AWAY. I know that's probably normal kids behavior at some point. Hell, I remember doing it...but as a parent, it's frightening. So I gathered him up in my arms and told him that my heart would break into a million tiny pieces if he ever ran away, but I also told him that I totally understood his want to remove himself from this difficult situation he's gotten himself into.
I can't tell you the number of times I've told him to stop lying, taking stuff, etc, punished him, given him consequences, etc...he knows all this, yet keeps doing it. A book I'm reading says to let him suffer the consequences of his own mistakes, especially when he's young. The cost will be lower now that it would be learning these lessons at 25. But what if he doesn't learn these lessons? What's his life going to be like? Yes, I borrowing trouble by trying to look ahead. And honestly, I usually don't because my outlook on what his life will be like seems to change minute by minute. But tonight, my kid said he wanted to run away.
I'm feeling pretty sad tonight. Troubled.
But tomorrow I'm going to show my kid that staying positive is possible, even when things get rough. That people WILL forgive him his trespasses if he tries to show them that he's sorry. I am going to try very hard to change my parenting and see if I can help him become as good on the outside as he is on the inside by modeling the behaviors better that I want him to mimic. And mostly, to help him figure out that he is a good and worthy person, no matter what he's done in the past.
I never guessed there would be this much heartache involved. This much soul wrenching pain. Really, I never guessed.
My older kid has been going through some stuff these past few days, and I...well, I don't know what to do anymore.
He's severely ADHD, with a side order of sensory processing disorder. To most people ADHD means that the kid is a hyper pain in the ass. But that is SO not all of it. Yes, my kid is hyper, but what lots of people don't understand is that there are sooo many other things involved. Impulsivity to the point of truly not being able to control yourself at times, poor planning, lack of inhibition, lack of forethought...and my beautiful child exhibits most of these things on a daily basis. And it hurts him. And I hurt for him.
We're also learning (again) that his sensory processing disorder really does have an impact on his behavior and ability to be in control of himself. At the suggestion of our new therapist, I made an appointment to have him re-evaluated by an Occupational Therapist. And the things I thought had gone have simply morphed. Loud noises still bother him, he still seeks sensory input in ways that most kids don't, and some other stuff that I can't think of right now. But all of these things, on top of the ADHD, are really impacting him - academically and right now, maybe more importantly, socially.
This is not a kid who seeks solitary activities. Oh no - this is a child who want, no NEEDS social interaction with other kids. But what he's finding out is that because of things he's done recently and in the past around the neighborhood, kids either aren't comfortable with him being in their house or playing with them, OR they simply won't play with him anymore.
He's 9, but he's making the mistakes a 6 or 7 year old would make. And it's not because he's a horrible, malicious child. When he's "on", this child is a ray of sunshine. He's helpful, wants to please everyone, playful, etc. But most people can't see past the things he is having trouble controlling...taking things that aren't his, playing a little too roughly, lying, etc. Hubs and I are at a total loss as to why he continues to do this. Intellectually he KNOWS these things are not ok, but I honestly think he simply can't stop himself from doing them. And it really fucking sucks.
Last night I had a dream about leaving...just leaving and starting fresh somewhere new. Today, I guess hubs was in a pissy mood because I'd been working all day, so he'd been taking care of the kids, they weren't listening and he yelled at the kids. They both cried and ran upstairs. Little one comes down and tells me big one just wrote a note saying he was going to run away. My sweet baby was feeling so low about himself and his situation that he wanted to RUN AWAY. I know that's probably normal kids behavior at some point. Hell, I remember doing it...but as a parent, it's frightening. So I gathered him up in my arms and told him that my heart would break into a million tiny pieces if he ever ran away, but I also told him that I totally understood his want to remove himself from this difficult situation he's gotten himself into.
I can't tell you the number of times I've told him to stop lying, taking stuff, etc, punished him, given him consequences, etc...he knows all this, yet keeps doing it. A book I'm reading says to let him suffer the consequences of his own mistakes, especially when he's young. The cost will be lower now that it would be learning these lessons at 25. But what if he doesn't learn these lessons? What's his life going to be like? Yes, I borrowing trouble by trying to look ahead. And honestly, I usually don't because my outlook on what his life will be like seems to change minute by minute. But tonight, my kid said he wanted to run away.
I'm feeling pretty sad tonight. Troubled.
But tomorrow I'm going to show my kid that staying positive is possible, even when things get rough. That people WILL forgive him his trespasses if he tries to show them that he's sorry. I am going to try very hard to change my parenting and see if I can help him become as good on the outside as he is on the inside by modeling the behaviors better that I want him to mimic. And mostly, to help him figure out that he is a good and worthy person, no matter what he's done in the past.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Can we ever win?
Doesn't seem like we can.
The first week at school that M was on his new medication, it seemed to be working well. Now it seems that it isn't working so well...she says that from 10/13 to present, his behavior has deteriorated. And she filled out a new Conners rating scale and some stuff is WORSE than it was at the beginning of Sept. I wonder if she was in a bad mood when she filled out the scale or if this is accurately represented...I just don't know anymore.
I can't believe a medication can lose its efficacy that quickly. Maybe there is no satisfying this teacher. Maybe this *still* isn't the right dose. Maybe this isn't even the right medication.
I *think* it's working better than the Vyvanse was, but maybe not. At least he seemed to be even with the Vyvanse.
We see the psychiatrist this week, so I'm sure we'll be on the next dose up starting soon.
Have I mentioned how much I hate ADHD? It really sucks.
The first week at school that M was on his new medication, it seemed to be working well. Now it seems that it isn't working so well...she says that from 10/13 to present, his behavior has deteriorated. And she filled out a new Conners rating scale and some stuff is WORSE than it was at the beginning of Sept. I wonder if she was in a bad mood when she filled out the scale or if this is accurately represented...I just don't know anymore.
I can't believe a medication can lose its efficacy that quickly. Maybe there is no satisfying this teacher. Maybe this *still* isn't the right dose. Maybe this isn't even the right medication.
I *think* it's working better than the Vyvanse was, but maybe not. At least he seemed to be even with the Vyvanse.
We see the psychiatrist this week, so I'm sure we'll be on the next dose up starting soon.
Have I mentioned how much I hate ADHD? It really sucks.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Day Five...Concerta
Color me surprised. M on 18mg of Concerta for 2 days wasn't the hellish experience I was expecting. He was actually pretty ok.
Today is day 3 of 27mg, so tomorrow we start on the 36mg dose that we've been building up to.
The only real negative I'm seeing is a reemergence of facial tics. But I don't feel too worried about that as we've seen transient facial tics with almost every medication he's been on. They seem to be mostly related to him feeling stressed or tired, and today he is *definitely* worn out. Not only that, but he's not in his normal routine this week, which always makes him feel more stressed than usual.
Overall I don't have a feeling about the Concerta one way or the other. It doesn't seem to be *that* much better than Vyvanse, but we also aren't on the therapeutic dose yet. We may see that 36mg is fantastic as compared to the 50mg of Vyvanse we were on before.
Today is day 3 of 27mg, so tomorrow we start on the 36mg dose that we've been building up to.
The only real negative I'm seeing is a reemergence of facial tics. But I don't feel too worried about that as we've seen transient facial tics with almost every medication he's been on. They seem to be mostly related to him feeling stressed or tired, and today he is *definitely* worn out. Not only that, but he's not in his normal routine this week, which always makes him feel more stressed than usual.
Overall I don't have a feeling about the Concerta one way or the other. It doesn't seem to be *that* much better than Vyvanse, but we also aren't on the therapeutic dose yet. We may see that 36mg is fantastic as compared to the 50mg of Vyvanse we were on before.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Day One...Concerta
Today is day one of trying M on Concerta. Things aren't going great at school, and the psychiatrist is worried about lots of things after seeing the Conners rating scale the teacher filled out.
M unmedicated is not a pretty thing. Since we're starting at 18mg of Concerta, I think the next 2 to 3 days are going to suck for all of us royally. I don't mean to be negative, but we've been through medication changes before and they weren't pretty.
What I'm hoping is that the Concerta, even though we've tried it before, will hit different receptors in his brain than the Vyvanse did, and that we'll see some of the behaviors that are causing school/friend/etc issues will lessen.
This is a work in process, as is any ADHD medication. Today and tomorrow we'll do 18mg, then Sunday or Monday we'll go up to 27mg. Two to three days on 27mg and then it's up to 36mg for the next 10 days. After that, school will be back in and the real test will begin. We'll see in which areas the meds are helping and which they aren't. We'll decide whether to increase the dose to 45mg or 54mg. We'll also see if we need to tweak the times he gets his meds. There's the possibility that we'll do a short acting in the morning and the long acting at lunch...but for now, we're trying the long acting in the morning and continuing with the short acting in the afternoon as usual.
Wish us luck.
If Concerta doesn't work, we go back to Vyvanse until school lets out again in December...then it's on to Focalin.
Have I mentioned how I much I hate having my kid on meds? It drives me nuts. I hate that he has to take medication to make him "socially acceptable." But I continue the meds because I believe there are children in this world who need medication to function...and children aren't equipped to not be accepted by others. And if this helps him function and gain acceptance from his peers, then this is what we'll do. We've tried everything else...diet, exercise, behavior modification...and on their own, the ends don't justify the means.
While I hate any child to be on medication, I also believe that it's not just about the child. It's about the family. If having a child (or parent) on medication is what's best for the family AND the child, then so be it. We have medications available to us for a reason.
M unmedicated is not a pretty thing. Since we're starting at 18mg of Concerta, I think the next 2 to 3 days are going to suck for all of us royally. I don't mean to be negative, but we've been through medication changes before and they weren't pretty.
What I'm hoping is that the Concerta, even though we've tried it before, will hit different receptors in his brain than the Vyvanse did, and that we'll see some of the behaviors that are causing school/friend/etc issues will lessen.
This is a work in process, as is any ADHD medication. Today and tomorrow we'll do 18mg, then Sunday or Monday we'll go up to 27mg. Two to three days on 27mg and then it's up to 36mg for the next 10 days. After that, school will be back in and the real test will begin. We'll see in which areas the meds are helping and which they aren't. We'll decide whether to increase the dose to 45mg or 54mg. We'll also see if we need to tweak the times he gets his meds. There's the possibility that we'll do a short acting in the morning and the long acting at lunch...but for now, we're trying the long acting in the morning and continuing with the short acting in the afternoon as usual.
Wish us luck.
If Concerta doesn't work, we go back to Vyvanse until school lets out again in December...then it's on to Focalin.
Have I mentioned how I much I hate having my kid on meds? It drives me nuts. I hate that he has to take medication to make him "socially acceptable." But I continue the meds because I believe there are children in this world who need medication to function...and children aren't equipped to not be accepted by others. And if this helps him function and gain acceptance from his peers, then this is what we'll do. We've tried everything else...diet, exercise, behavior modification...and on their own, the ends don't justify the means.
While I hate any child to be on medication, I also believe that it's not just about the child. It's about the family. If having a child (or parent) on medication is what's best for the family AND the child, then so be it. We have medications available to us for a reason.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Can't catch a fucking break
Clearly I'm a shitty parent or my kids wouldn't act like this. Clearly.
Same fucking shit, different fucking day.
M lost all his play time for the whole weekend. Yep - the WHOLE WEEKEND. And that was after me giving him opportunity after opportunity after opportunity to get his shit together. And therein lies the problem. He's gotten so used to having all these opportunities that he doesn't do what he's told until he knows I'm serious about the consequences.
It's weird though - after losing all his playtime tomorrow, something that's REALLY important to him, he continued with the bad decisions. When I got to Saturday's playtime, he freaked a bit, but STILL didn't do what I asked him to do. When I finally said I'm writing an email to Daddy to tell him you have no playtime for the whole weekend, then it's all "Mommy, I'll clean up" and "NO MOMMY! PLEASE!!" I don't know if it was the threat of losing the whole weekend of playtime or the threat of Daddy knowing that I took the playtime away (as if Daddy wouldn't know by tomorrow morning anyway).
And it's not like I asked him to paint the house for fuck's sake. I asked him to finish his dinner for an hour. And before you tell me to throw it out after a certain amount of time, my kid needs to eat. And he needs to eat protein. If he doesn't eat enough, he wakes up in the middle of the night and does god knows what while the rest of us are snoozing away. I've even been giving him a special "bedtime drink" right before bed of strawberry Kefir to help him stay asleep.
Oh - and I asked him to clean up the legos he had played with.
After I sent the email to Daddy, I was screamed at, my door was kicked and I was told that I'm MEAN. Do you know that there is no reasoning with a pissed off 8 year old? I know it now. I asked him if it was mean of me to give him so many opportunities to do what I had asked, then when he didn't do it, to take something away.
At some point I simply sent the kids upstairs. And I had my little freak out down here. I screamed. Loudly. And I slammed the door. Twice. And I kicked their god damn lego box across the room. Real mature, huh?
I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit up there with them tonight while they fall asleep. M came down, attitude in hand, and said J wanted me to come back upstairs. I said NO. He said why. I said because I have been treated poorly tonight by both of you and I can't take any more of it.
And again, I'm left feeling like a shitty parent. I'm beginning to not know which way is up with this shit.
I can't wait until our appt with Dr. B. next week. I know 1 appointment isn't going to solve the problems, but it will be start.
Fuck me. Maybe I need to go back to my therapist and work on some meditation or something.
Same fucking shit, different fucking day.
M lost all his play time for the whole weekend. Yep - the WHOLE WEEKEND. And that was after me giving him opportunity after opportunity after opportunity to get his shit together. And therein lies the problem. He's gotten so used to having all these opportunities that he doesn't do what he's told until he knows I'm serious about the consequences.
It's weird though - after losing all his playtime tomorrow, something that's REALLY important to him, he continued with the bad decisions. When I got to Saturday's playtime, he freaked a bit, but STILL didn't do what I asked him to do. When I finally said I'm writing an email to Daddy to tell him you have no playtime for the whole weekend, then it's all "Mommy, I'll clean up" and "NO MOMMY! PLEASE!!" I don't know if it was the threat of losing the whole weekend of playtime or the threat of Daddy knowing that I took the playtime away (as if Daddy wouldn't know by tomorrow morning anyway).
And it's not like I asked him to paint the house for fuck's sake. I asked him to finish his dinner for an hour. And before you tell me to throw it out after a certain amount of time, my kid needs to eat. And he needs to eat protein. If he doesn't eat enough, he wakes up in the middle of the night and does god knows what while the rest of us are snoozing away. I've even been giving him a special "bedtime drink" right before bed of strawberry Kefir to help him stay asleep.
Oh - and I asked him to clean up the legos he had played with.
After I sent the email to Daddy, I was screamed at, my door was kicked and I was told that I'm MEAN. Do you know that there is no reasoning with a pissed off 8 year old? I know it now. I asked him if it was mean of me to give him so many opportunities to do what I had asked, then when he didn't do it, to take something away.
At some point I simply sent the kids upstairs. And I had my little freak out down here. I screamed. Loudly. And I slammed the door. Twice. And I kicked their god damn lego box across the room. Real mature, huh?
I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit up there with them tonight while they fall asleep. M came down, attitude in hand, and said J wanted me to come back upstairs. I said NO. He said why. I said because I have been treated poorly tonight by both of you and I can't take any more of it.
And again, I'm left feeling like a shitty parent. I'm beginning to not know which way is up with this shit.
I can't wait until our appt with Dr. B. next week. I know 1 appointment isn't going to solve the problems, but it will be start.
Fuck me. Maybe I need to go back to my therapist and work on some meditation or something.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I blame myself
I blame myself for my kid's ADHD.
Maybe if I'd pushed harder, I could have pushed him out. I pushed for 3 hours and just couldn't get him out. He was vacuum extracted and came out with a HUGE bruise on his tiny little head.
Tonight I know with certainty that I'm the reason he will struggle throughout his life. Struggle to do the things that come so easily to so many.
Tomorrow the sun will rise and with it my knowledge that it's not really my fault...that I'm borrowing guilt. But for now, this is what I know.
Tonight was really unpleasant and things got said that should have been phrased differently. Things that should have been teaching moments were angry and accusatory moments. It was one of those "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST DO IT!?!?!?!" nights.
I know the answer to that question and I still can't stop asking it.
Tonight I simply feel like a failure as a parent.
And still, my kid, after all the tears and yelling and defiance...once he calmed himself, still he wanted me to be near him; wanted me to sit next to him; wanted Mommy to sit with him while he fell asleep.
Tears. Me. Right now.
Maybe if I'd pushed harder, I could have pushed him out. I pushed for 3 hours and just couldn't get him out. He was vacuum extracted and came out with a HUGE bruise on his tiny little head.
Tonight I know with certainty that I'm the reason he will struggle throughout his life. Struggle to do the things that come so easily to so many.
Tomorrow the sun will rise and with it my knowledge that it's not really my fault...that I'm borrowing guilt. But for now, this is what I know.
Tonight was really unpleasant and things got said that should have been phrased differently. Things that should have been teaching moments were angry and accusatory moments. It was one of those "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST DO IT!?!?!?!" nights.
I know the answer to that question and I still can't stop asking it.
Tonight I simply feel like a failure as a parent.
And still, my kid, after all the tears and yelling and defiance...once he calmed himself, still he wanted me to be near him; wanted me to sit next to him; wanted Mommy to sit with him while he fell asleep.
Tears. Me. Right now.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I was out, part deux
So after that whole spiel about riding my bike, I had actually kind of decided to go do it. What happened? The school called about my older kid, which resulted in a 1/2 hour conversation with the principal with a whole lotta "I don't know" and "Yeah...I don't know either." And then a whole lotta "We'll talk to the psychologist about it in a couple weeks when we see him" and "Yes, I'll add that to the list to talk to Dr. B about when we see him."
By the time the conversation was over, it was too late to go out for a ride. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm feeling sad for my kid. I know, I know...shake it off and toughen up. This is life and that's the way it is so suck it up.
To that I say: foxtrot oscar.
I'm allowed to feel sad for my kid. He's 8. I can't imagine him going through his whole life like this.
So anyway, I'm off to cry for a bit, then make dinner. Maybe some jewelry later.
By the time the conversation was over, it was too late to go out for a ride. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm feeling sad for my kid. I know, I know...shake it off and toughen up. This is life and that's the way it is so suck it up.
To that I say: foxtrot oscar.
I'm allowed to feel sad for my kid. He's 8. I can't imagine him going through his whole life like this.
So anyway, I'm off to cry for a bit, then make dinner. Maybe some jewelry later.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I might have gone a little far today
The principal called me today to say that M was suspended for 1 day for the stealing incident from last week. I kinda freaked. Surprising, isn't it? Sadly, it's not. I called the hubs and told him what was going on and as usual, he is much more prepared to deal with things as they come than I am. Gimme an hour or 2 and I'll stop freaking and start thinking, but he lives this shit every day at work, so he can just spew stuff out like it's air.
So I go to pick M up and I ask to talk to the principal. Ok...if you know me, then you know when I get really stressed or really angry, I cry. Crying seems to bother people, and I hate that. Today it was just stress boiling over the top and out through my eyes in the form of tears. The principal (who I really do love - she's been awesome) looks at me and says "Bless your heart." LOL I stopped crying and explained to her that I've been really stressed about school lately because things seem to be so negative with M. I went on to say that I think we need to change the way we deal with M, both at school and at home - to catch him doing good things instead of always highlighting the bad things. He has started to internalize that shit and feels like he can't do anything right.
She told me that 3rd grade can be a challenge for most kids, but then add on M's issues on top and it can be explosive. Yeah...ya think? I told her, kind of bluntly, that the reality of the situation is that while being in 3rd grade may mean one thing for the majority of kids, for MY kid, we may need to slow the roll and get him on a positive note before we try to transition him to being more of a 3rd grader. We talked about social stories, talking to the counselor to find positive things about himself, "community service" for when he does have inappropriate behavior, not getting to go see a favorite teacher as a consequence for inappropriate behavior....lots of stuff.
I kind of unloaded on her.
On another note, I feel badly for his teacher that she has to deal not only with him and his IEP, but other "different" kids and their quirks. I cannot imagine that she has an easy job, and I really hate to push this issue. But I have to be an advocate for my kids - nobody else is going to do it. And when I see my kid coming home with so-so days fairly consistently, that tells me that the system we have in place isn't working. I need for my kid to come home with good days so that he can feel positive about both himself and school. Being the kind of kid that he is, it's important to foster a pleasant feeling about school in general.
I hope I didn't go too far, but I fear I might have.
So I go to pick M up and I ask to talk to the principal. Ok...if you know me, then you know when I get really stressed or really angry, I cry. Crying seems to bother people, and I hate that. Today it was just stress boiling over the top and out through my eyes in the form of tears. The principal (who I really do love - she's been awesome) looks at me and says "Bless your heart." LOL I stopped crying and explained to her that I've been really stressed about school lately because things seem to be so negative with M. I went on to say that I think we need to change the way we deal with M, both at school and at home - to catch him doing good things instead of always highlighting the bad things. He has started to internalize that shit and feels like he can't do anything right.
She told me that 3rd grade can be a challenge for most kids, but then add on M's issues on top and it can be explosive. Yeah...ya think? I told her, kind of bluntly, that the reality of the situation is that while being in 3rd grade may mean one thing for the majority of kids, for MY kid, we may need to slow the roll and get him on a positive note before we try to transition him to being more of a 3rd grader. We talked about social stories, talking to the counselor to find positive things about himself, "community service" for when he does have inappropriate behavior, not getting to go see a favorite teacher as a consequence for inappropriate behavior....lots of stuff.
I kind of unloaded on her.
On another note, I feel badly for his teacher that she has to deal not only with him and his IEP, but other "different" kids and their quirks. I cannot imagine that she has an easy job, and I really hate to push this issue. But I have to be an advocate for my kids - nobody else is going to do it. And when I see my kid coming home with so-so days fairly consistently, that tells me that the system we have in place isn't working. I need for my kid to come home with good days so that he can feel positive about both himself and school. Being the kind of kid that he is, it's important to foster a pleasant feeling about school in general.
I hope I didn't go too far, but I fear I might have.
Monday, October 19, 2009
When reality comes slamming home
I've spent the past 3.5 days in sort of a fun-induced haze. My friend Daniel, from northern Canada, has been here since Friday and he's been spoiling me with good company, good food and lots of movies and photo taking.
So today it was back to reality as I really haven't spent time with the family (read: the kids) this weekend. I went to pick up the kids from school and the lady calling numbers at carpool stops me and says M got written up 2x today, but our administrators are out sick, so you will get the papers tomorrow.
What did he get written up for? Well, I think one was something from last week that I already knew about. But the other one was for saying "son of a bitch" in the hall. He swears up and down that he didn't say it, that he said "son of a GUN" not the other. So I have an email in to his teacher to see what she says.
So I got all stressed out when the kids got in the car and pretty much grilled M to see what had happened. Then he decided he didn't want to do his homework when I wanted him to do it. But he's doing it now and I guess that's ok. At least he's doing it, right?
What I realized while walking into the house with the kids is that it is REALLY fucking hard to get back into the "work" mindset when you've been in the "fun, no responsibility" mindset for the past almost-4-days.
So today it was back to reality as I really haven't spent time with the family (read: the kids) this weekend. I went to pick up the kids from school and the lady calling numbers at carpool stops me and says M got written up 2x today, but our administrators are out sick, so you will get the papers tomorrow.
What did he get written up for? Well, I think one was something from last week that I already knew about. But the other one was for saying "son of a bitch" in the hall. He swears up and down that he didn't say it, that he said "son of a GUN" not the other. So I have an email in to his teacher to see what she says.
So I got all stressed out when the kids got in the car and pretty much grilled M to see what had happened. Then he decided he didn't want to do his homework when I wanted him to do it. But he's doing it now and I guess that's ok. At least he's doing it, right?
What I realized while walking into the house with the kids is that it is REALLY fucking hard to get back into the "work" mindset when you've been in the "fun, no responsibility" mindset for the past almost-4-days.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Parenting the ADHD child
No, this has nothing to do with biking and everything to do with my extreme frustration with trying to parent a child with ADHD, and some other alphabet bullshit.
1. He's different. He's always going to be different, and damn, life would be so much easier if everyone could just accept that instead of trying to force him into some pigeonhole. HE WON'T FIT.
Different isn't bad. It's JUST DIFFERENT.
2. We have some serious parenting changes to make in the next week or so or the headbutting will continue. And yanno what? It's not fucking worth it. It gets us nowhere except really fucking angry at each other. And I don't want to be that person anymore.
3. I refuse REFUSE to put my child on more medication to make him more convenient for society. He, at 8 years old, takes between 3.5 and 4 pills a day. He needs to be able to develop and grow, with our guidance, and learn that he CAN stop and think and make good decisions without depending on more medication.
4. I need to get back into the mindset I used to have...patience, healthy food within our budget, supplements, reading about ways to help him (and me...we can all benefit from this) and putting all that into practice.
5. For my own mental stability, I need to ride more. I need that outlet.
There. That doesn't sound so hard, now does it?
Right.
1. He's different. He's always going to be different, and damn, life would be so much easier if everyone could just accept that instead of trying to force him into some pigeonhole. HE WON'T FIT.
Different isn't bad. It's JUST DIFFERENT.
2. We have some serious parenting changes to make in the next week or so or the headbutting will continue. And yanno what? It's not fucking worth it. It gets us nowhere except really fucking angry at each other. And I don't want to be that person anymore.
3. I refuse REFUSE to put my child on more medication to make him more convenient for society. He, at 8 years old, takes between 3.5 and 4 pills a day. He needs to be able to develop and grow, with our guidance, and learn that he CAN stop and think and make good decisions without depending on more medication.
4. I need to get back into the mindset I used to have...patience, healthy food within our budget, supplements, reading about ways to help him (and me...we can all benefit from this) and putting all that into practice.
5. For my own mental stability, I need to ride more. I need that outlet.
There. That doesn't sound so hard, now does it?
Right.
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