My Morning - good for a laugh

So hubs has been out of town, which means that I've been home A-L-O-N-E with the ankle biters for 3 days. Remember that older kid is tracked out (meaning he's home all day with me) and younger kid goes to preschool a few days a week, otherwise he's home with me too.

So this morning I'm happily sleeping when kid #1 runs into my room like his ass is afire yelling "Mommy! Megatron did ..... (and that's all I heard b/c I burrowed my big ass further under the covers)!" I mumbled something back to him that sounded like "that's nice" but really meant, in Mommy speak, "leave me the fuck alone, can't you see I'm sleeping." He comes back in a few minutes later and says "Mommy. MOMMY! Look at what J did to me! He poured his yogurt on me." Mommy peeks out from under the covers and sure as shit there's about a container's worth of organic strawberry yogurt dripping from the arm of my 7 year old. "Go to the trash can and scrape it off." "Ok" he says. I went back to sleep...again. (Remember, I'm not feeling well - I've been sick for what seems like forever at this point). Not 3 minutes later (or maybe 20....), kid #2 comes running in and says something about the GOD DAMNED TRANSFORMERS. It was ON. I flung the covers back, pissed off that the fucking Transformers had ruined a perfectly good sleep, and slammed out into the living room to see what my kids had destroyed. Nothing. Good.

I walked back into my bedroom and went to pee. I'm sitting ON the toilet and ...WEEE-OOOOO....WEEE-OOOOO....WEEE-OOOOO..."WHAT THE FUCK!?!!?!" I screamed to anyone who would listen...which was no one. Seriously, mid-stream the house alarm goes off and I'm thinking to myself "God...what did I do to piss you off this friggin' early in the morning?" I'll spare you the pee details, but let's say it was not a pleasant, nor easily cleaned up situation. I got up, ran out to the living room and turned off the alarm. Yelled at the cowering children to ask them "WHO OPENED THE DOOR?????" Nobody had opened any door. Oy...I felt like a badddddd mama.

Last night I changed the light bulb on the ceiling fan and replaced the globe that goes over it. Apparently I didn't put it back on correctly. It chose THAT MOMENT, while I was peeing my brains out, to fall to the floor and set off the friggin' alarm! Can you believe it? THAT MOMENT!

I hope like hell you got a good laugh out of that story.